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Monday, April 15, 2024

Humor: Donkey put in isolation at Animal Science stables after being a total ass


Donkey Jack Ascot forcefully removed from presence of other animals after causing a scene

The stables used by the Animal Science department are often quaint and quiet, full of animals who live near each other in harmony. However, donkey Jack Ascot has always felt that he’d do better in the theatre and dance department, so he rocked the boat (or should I say ark, if we’re talking animals) this week.

“Jack just likes to stir the tea,” sheep Marco Nunes said. “He had dreams of being on The Real Housewives of Davis, but then he found out we don’t even have real housewives. Now he’s started this elaborate scheme to try and prove that he’s worthy of quality television, or at least Bravo!”

Jack rolls into the pasture late every day, wearing large Gucci sunglasses and texting on two Blackberries. No one knows how he texts, since he has no thumbs, but the point is still clear: he doesn’t have time for your bull (and he doesn’t have time for the bulls either).

“These peasants aren’t worth the soiled hay around our hooves,” Ascot said. “I’m a hero for putting up with their mundane lives.”

Animal science students soon realized that Jack was being both terribly rude to the other animals as well as a total buzzkill. They quickly decided to move him to his own corral, but he didn’t go out without a fight.

“It was really weird,” cow Burt Utters said. “All of a sudden this really weird dramatic music played and then Jack, like, threw a glass of champagne on one of the students. Security had to come drag him out, but it took a while because they had to run from Tercero, where security is actually useful.”

Jack Ascot now lives alone, but he’ll hopefully make a comeback with an appearance on Dancing with the Stars. He’ll occasionally tweet something passive about his old life, but he seems to still be caught up in his rude antics. The other animals weren’t shocked.

“I mean, he’s an ass, so he’s an ass,” horse Barbara Hoofstater said. “I just wish he was more like that donkey in Shrek who just likes waffles, whatever his name was.”
Written by: Olivia Luchini — ocluchini@ucdavis.edu

(This article is humor and/or satire, and its content is purely fictional. The story and the names of “sources” are fictionalized.)


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