Makeshift boxing ring in the basement of Freeborn dictates what jokes you see
Five humorists shuffle down the stairs to Lower Freeborn every Monday morning in search of two things: laughs and blood. When the print paper can only showcase three humor articles a week, this handful of serious journalists has no option but to get those mouthguards in place and kick some rump.
“They, uh, didn’t really tell us that this was part of writing for The Aggie when we did the initial interview,” new member Aaron Levins said. “I thought it was going to be more about jokes and less about chokes.”
Older members are used to this kind of competition. One of them has been fighting since his freshman year. And members of The Aggie’s staff have mixed feelings about this trend.
“Honestly, it’s a little extra,” one editor said. “Each humorist has an entry song. This one dude enters to ‘I’m Like A Bird’ by Nelly Furtado every time and one of the girls enters to a ten minute compilation of didgeridoo solos. You don’t want the weirdest people on this paper fighting. It’s just cringe-worthy.”
The final three standing get to be in the paper, but the other two must only exist on the fragile Internet that can’t even be accessed without WiFi. Tragic. Additionally, no one can react with the sad face option on Facebook if the article is in the paper, so your ego is safe for at least a week.
“All of my teeth are fake now and this is only my second quarter writing here,” I said, because I can. “I’m thinking about investing in a gold grill.”
The main desire is this: when UC Davis is in ruins in the far future, and Lower Freeborn is finally located by a group of archaeologist cockroaches who survived another end of the world, we want them to find the one thing that describes our 21st century complex society in the best possible way. And that one thing is fake news peddled by college students in a basement.
“Sometimes I’ll slip the editor-in-chief a gift card to Subway in an attempt to have an advantage,” one humorist said. “Honestly, that’s why I’m broke now. I bought Subway gift cards with all of my rent money just to get immortalized in print. It was worth it.”
This writer now lives in a hut constructed out of newspapers that he has been featured in on the top level of the MU parking garage. However, he is happy because he knows that his silly words, which are the finest kind of art, will live forever.
Written by: Olivia Luchini — email@example.com