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Saturday, September 18, 2021

Humor: Gary May only here to attend freshman seminar on Star Trek

JAY GELVEZON / AGGIE (left), PUBLIC DOMAIN (right)

Becoming chancellor was all just a ploy to attend the sickest seminar in the biz

Ever since the email came out in which future chancellor Gary May professed his love for Star Trek, students have been clamoring to learn more about their future leader. So it came as no surprise when we all found out that he actually didn’t plan on replacing the infamous Katehi and instead was merely here to get two units through an extravagant seminar on the whimsy of space.

“We could sort of tell that something was off in the class when everyone else was in sweatpants and shirts while this little fella was in a full-blown suit and tie,” seminar professor Dan Cortez said.

May tried to blend in by wearing the sickest shades he could find at Kohl’s, but it was all for naught, since he had a Blackberry tied to his belt, ruining his cool youngster disguise. The unfortunate nature of it all!

“Hello, fellow youths,” May said as he entered the door for the first time, flawlessly mimicking the language of the modern collegiate pupil.

As every other student sat quietly listening to the lecture about the magic of Star Trek, May had both of his encyclopedias on the franchise ready and prepped to correct any wrong remark made about this holy work of fiction.

“That is not correct,” May said. “If we look to page 745 of the second edition of-”

The quote went unfinished because the person recording it broke their pencil in aggravation. After breaking his cover, May has been coming to class in his exact replica of a Captain Kirk outfit just to show the other students who they’re messing with.

“You think you’re a real fan?” May questioned, while challenging fellow students to a duel of wits. “I bet you don’t even know how old Leonard Nimoy was when he got his first chest hair. DO YOU?”

May was awarded an A+ in the class, but only because he pulled the “chancellor” card a few times. He is fit to leave come the end of this quarter with a sense of accomplishment and two more units under his belt.

 

Written by: Olivia Luchini — ocluchini@ucdavis.edu

(This article is humor and/or satire, and its content is purely fictional. The story and the names of “sources” are fictionalized.)

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