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Davis, California

Sunday, April 14, 2024

Humor: Hidden UC money found under large mattress


Shameful moment for the UC system was merely a moment of sheer laziness

Headlines buzzed in early May when it was discovered that the UC system had been hiding $175 million in reserves, creating an uproar among UC students. However, the whole thing has since been discovered to simply be a big “whoopsie” when one representative came forward to tell us that this money wasn’t actually hidden at all.

“Eh,” said UC representative Danny Devito (no relation to the actor). “I had it all stuffed in my mattress, so it wasn’t really hidden. I was gonna take it to the bank — it was on my list — but then I just kept getting so tired, and it became one of those ‘I’ll do it later’ things. Oops!”

UC President Janet Napolitano and Devito shared a hearty laugh about the whole thing while students looked astonished. Could they really be this nonchalant about so much money?

“$175 million?” asked Napolitano. “I use that amount of money as tissues during Spring Quarter. Curse these allergies! Ha! It’s really no big deal!”

Yes, she really does use the money to blow her nose, according to the very credible source called MyImagination Weekly. Students still can’t fathom how there isn’t more of an uproar over this info.

“I sold both of my kidneys to pay for my tuition this year,” student Jerry Plum said. “Now, I just have two Ziploc bags trying their hardest to filter my body. They’re not even Ziploc. I couldn’t afford name brand, so I have two generic brand baggies where my kidneys should be.”

Other students were equally as shocked. One even spit out their coffee, but then had to drink it off of the table because they live on $4 a week.

“Look,” Devito said. “I’m taking the mattress to the bank real soon. I have the next two weeks off, and then I’ll take it. Well, maybe. I don’t know. I might want to go golfing or something… We’ll see!”

Students have been told not to worry about the money, which Devito said is in the safe caress of a Tempurpedic mattress.

“It’s like Napolitano doesn’t even know how many pantsuits she could buy with that kind of dough,” Jerry Plum said as he walked with a metal detector around the Quad, trying to find some dimes.
Written by: Olivia Luchini — ocluchini@ucdavis.edu

(This article is humor and/or satire, and its content is purely fictional. The story and the names of “sources” are fictionalized.)


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