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Saturday, April 13, 2024

Humor: MU tables perfect height for all the children that study there


New Memorial Union lives up to the lowest of possible expectations

The new Memorial Union (MU) has surprisingly received a lot of complaints from students. Most of them revolve around the fact that it looks like an airport, mostly because it absolutely does.

But what a lot of people seem to be overlooking is the fact that the tables are the perfect height! For children, that is. This makes a lot of sense because most people are oblivious to the fact that a majority of the UC Davis student body is actually made up of students who are under the age of 6.

“I’m really disappointed with the renovations,” said William Bieber, no relation to Margarete Bieber, the German-American art historian. “I can only really use the tables to rest my feet on. And there are already things for that. They’re called footrests.”

But it’s not like there aren’t good places to sit on the ground floor of the MU. There are plenty of weird blocky couch-like things for students to awkwardly position themselves on. Plus, their shapes are perfect for students who are studying for the high school geometry class that they never quite got the hang of and just can’t let go. We’ve all been there. Right?

The height of the tables on the first floor of the MU provide a great explanation for why there have been so many children on our campus recently. It’s a huge relief that the school is finally providing good resources for people who don’t need them at all. Finally.

“I’m really happy that a lot of the tables on the first floor aren’t really meant for fully-grown people,” said Hannah “Mayonnaise” Smith, a second-year nutrition major who got her nickname by eating an entire jar of mayonnaise by herself because her friends were busy eating separate jars of mayonnaise somewhere else. “The students don’t really deserve good new study spaces, because it’s not like we paid for any of the renovations that were done for the MU. All the funding came directly from children raising money by selling lemonade.”


Written by: Brian Landry — bjlandry@ucdavis.edu
(This article is humor and/or satire, and its content is purely fictional. The story and the names of “sources” are fictionalized.)


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