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Saturday, April 20, 2024

Humor: GOP health care bill lists “being alive” as preexisting condition


However, this will not apply to Congress

The House of Representatives recently passed a “much-needed” health care bill that would thoroughly scrap Obamacare. This bill introduces new limits on access to insurance, instituting new regulations on what constitutes a preexisting condition. This means that people with those preexisting conditions are priced out of coverage for their health problems.

“Yeah, so I was just sitting with a couple of my buddies laughing really hard about how poor people are in America,” said House Speaker Paul Ryan. “And right as my buddy Kevin was joking about how funny it would be to sell our souls to Internet providers like Comcast, an idea hit me: Why don’t we make it even harder for the poor to access health care? It’s the ultimate joke. So I was like, ‘Bros, let’s make a new health care bill!’ So I talked to the President about it and he was like ‘Do whatever you want as long as I can go take a nap.’ It was so rad! We were gonna pull the biggest practical joke ever! It was like being back in college with my frat bros.”  

So what was the best way for the GOP to play its awesome prank? Make being alive a preexisting condition!

Kevin McCarthy, the House majority leader, weighed in, “So my really good bro Ryan was like, ‘Kevin, this is what we are doing, and you will do it, because you are my little bitch.’ I’m cool with whatever Ryan wants, as long as it directly hurts poor people in America.”

“I mean, rich people are obviously gonna still be able to afford health care no problem. They won’t need insurance. However, poor people,” Ryan chuckled. “Poor people will just have to suffer. Haha! What a good joke.”

The Aggie tried to get a comment from Democratic lawmakers, but they were all too busy either trying to scam the American people in their own thinly veiled ways or banging their heads on their desks trying to forget all of this happened.

“I can’t *thud* believe *thud* any of this *thud* is happening *thud* WALL STREET,” said Bernie Sanders, offering some insight into the Democrat reaction to the health care bill.

Curiously, while being alive is a preexisting condition, erectile dysfunction is not. Hmm. I’m sure that’s just a coincidence.

Written by: Aaron Levins — adlevins@ucdavis.edu

(This article is humor and/or satire, and its content is purely fictional. The story and the names of “sources” are fictionalized.)


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