Saving the environment, but at what cost?
Who doesn’t love the environment? There are white fluffy bunnies, big fuzzy bears, really mean cats: the environment is super cool and nice. And while human-influenced climate change is really just a big lie and Hillary Clinton is actually a lizard wearing human skin, it’s still super nice to ride your bike to and from school because it makes all the environmentalists happy as you benefit from some fresh air. So bike commuting seems like a great idea, right? Wrong.
I have come to tell you a story. A story in the making for many millennia.
Ever since the bike was first invented by the Wright brothers, the Wind God has purposefully waged war against those who adopt the fancy two-wheeled invention. This is well known. Whenever a biker tries to use his machine, the Wind God wages his perpetual battle.
Let me provide some backstory. I don’t know if y’all have ever heard of the Wind God or even have knowledge of his likeness but it just so happens that I am actually a prophet for him. It all started when he came to me out in the Sonoran Desert one night while I was sleeping in my trailer at Slab City. I had heard a booming noise outside and I awoke, frightened. He called my name three times: “Aaron… Aaron… Aaron.” At first I was like, “This is just the peyote talking,” but then the voice was like, “This is not the peyote talking. This is the Wind God talking — the one true Wind God.” So I decided to open up the door to my trailer to take a look outside and was surprised to find that the Wind God is in fact a 100-foot-tall version of Jeff Bridge’s character from The Big Lebowski. Woah.
So, this was all really confusing. But then, the Wind God spoke to me.
“Hey, so you know bikes and stuff,” the Wind God bellowed.
“Yeah, the machines that get you places with two wheels? How do those things stand up when you’re riding them?” I responded.
“Hell if I know. I’m a god and I don’t even really get how that works. But that’s beside the point. I need to tell you something. I am waging an eternal war on bicycles. This is my mission. Go to the four corners of the earth and tell the world.” Then, out of nowhere, he disappeared.
So, UC Davis students, I have appeared to you on account of my lifelong mission to spread the news of the Wind God’s war against humans on bicycles. My advice is stop riding your bikes because he is really serious about this whole “bikes are evil” thing.
Anyway, let me tell you my theory regarding Hillary being a lizard with human skin…
Written by: Aaron Levins — firstname.lastname@example.org
(This article is humor and/or satire, and its content is purely fictional. The story and the names of “sources” are fictionalized.)