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Davis, California

Tuesday, September 21, 2021

Humor: All Starbucks on campus to be replaced with a man named Peet standing in an empty room

AARON KEOKHAM / AGGIE

School to replace popular coffee establishment with something actually useful

Big improvements are coming to the UC Davis campus.

With Silo renovations beginning in June, the university will be replacing all Starbucks locations on campus. After much deliberation, it has been decided that the Silo Starbucks, as well as all other locations on campus, will be replaced with a man named Peet standing alone in an empty room. It’s unclear whether there will just be one Peet who rotates between the locations, or if each will get its own unique Peet. The deciding factor will ultimately be how many men named Peet — a variation on the popular “Pete” — can actually be located.

Students were obviously thrilled at the idea that a place that serves the caffeine they rely on daily is being replaced with a Peet.

“I’m really excited about Peet,” said Brittney Spleen, a third-year computer science major who spends a majority of her time making covers of Taylor Swift songs in which she only hisses over the track instead of singing. “I can just go to CoHo South for my coffee. This campus was really missing a man standing in an empty room that was formerly the location of a popular international coffee chain. It’s going to be so comforting knowing that Peet is always going to be there on campus just standing in that room.”

Just who are these Peets who will be standing in empty rooms? That’s a great question.

“I’m not here to make friends, I’m here to become America’s Next Top Model,” said one of the Peets, who before taking the position as man in room was a part-time human staple gun. He didn’t appear to have a thorough grasp on what the position entailed. “I can pose, I can walk and I’m great in front of the camera. I’m here to win. And to find my son.”

Construction of the project is expected to take several years, as one would expect. But the final product will undoubtedly be worth the wait, and will be much more useful than a popular coffee establishment.

 

Written by: Brian Landry — bjlandry@ucdavis.edu

(This article is humor and/or satire, and its content is purely fictional. The story and the names of “sources” are fictionalized.)

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