CHOCOLATE CHIP — Noah Pflueger-Peters
I think Eli is a good guy, but I never knew he could be so wrong about cookies. Allow me to right his wrongs.
I’d like to preface this by saying that I’m not arguing that oatmeal raisin cookies are bad, simply that they are and forever will be inferior to chocolate chip cookies.
Raisin cookies’ main offense is that they pretend to be something they’re not. They’re fakes, posers and frauds whose only purpose is to deceive and to disappoint. How many times have you seen cookies in the distance with little dark dots and gotten excited for a beautiful chocolate chip encounter, only to realize that they’re actually oatmeal raisin, causing you to walk away disappointed, having that craving unfulfilled and your time wasted?
Oatmeal raisin must always be defined in relation to chocolate chip. If the chocolate chip cookie didn’t exist or the raisin cookie didn’t pretend it was chocolate chip, I could see myself eating oatmeal raisin cookies from time to time. Sadly, this just isn’t a reality.
The Aztecs and Mayas considered chocolate “The Food of the Gods.” It was considered the utmost delicacy and was a centerpiece of religious rituals for centuries in Mesoamerica. Would you rather have a dried, wrinkly, weirdly squishy fruit all up in your cookie, or a substance that’s so good it has literally been deemed fit for gods and kings?
The experience of eating a raisin cookie simply can’t compete with that of a chocolate chip one. When you eat a fresh chocolate chip cookie, the chocolate blends with the warm dough and melts in your mouth, creating a symphony of deliciousness. But raisins don’t melt. At this point, what’s the difference between a fresh-baked oatmeal raisin cookie and a day-old one that’s been warmed in the microwave?
I’ll give the heathens one concession: chocolate chip cookies contain slightly more calories per ounce. Oatmeal raisin cookies also contain half the fat and cholesterol. However, you’re ignoring the real killers: sodium and carbohydrates.
Oatmeal raisin cookies contain a whopping 56 more milligrams of sodium than the average chocolate chip cookie. If you ate one oatmeal raisin every day in place of a chocolate chip you’d consume an alarming 20,440 more milligrams of sodium per year. Excess levels of sodium lead to high blood pressure and an increased risk of stroke, heart failure and kidney disease. Oatmeal cookies also contain 3 more grams of carbohydrates, which are linked to obesity and an increased risk of heart disease and diabetes. If you choose oatmeal raisin over chocolate chip, you’re signing your own death warrant.
The world is depressing enough as is. The last thing we all need is a deceitful, disappointing and dangerous dessert haunting us on top of all of life’s other grim realities. Is not even dessert sacred? The oatmeal raisin cookie grabs you by the neck, looks you dead in the eye and screams, “NO!”
Written by: Noah Pflueger-Peters — email@example.com
OATMEAL RAISIN — Eli Flesch
Why oatmeal raisin good (better than choco-chip): First, everybody knows “oatmeal raisin” rhymes with “amazin’.” Chocolate chip only rhymes with “fava bean dip,” also known as “the dip of fools.”
Also: I ate a choco-chip once. No good. Too much “chocolate.” Which means, sweetness was bit much. Overwhelming. And chocolate kills dogs. Not oatmeal, nor the mighty raisin. So would you rather kill a dog, or eat cookie with fruit and oats — two big-league health things, I think?
Yes, healthy. So healthy. The healthiest. Which is why Mr. Pflueger-Peters is wrong. Gwyneth Paltrow once said: “I know healthy. I am a former head of lettuce” (healthy) “so I know green. And when I see Mr. Pflueger-Peters say Mr. Flesch is wrong, I think: No. Eli right. Oatmeal raisin good.” Okay. Even if quote wrong, it is “essential truth.” “Fictive truth.” Like War and Peace, or Lolita or Freddy Got Fingered. So to Mr. Pflueger-Peters I say: No, it is you who is wrong.
More reasons why oatmeal raisin good:
- “Meal” in name. As in the things that keep us alive, please the bellies. Chocolate chip has “late” in name. Tardiness bad habit. Also has “hip.” But not “cool hip.” The hip bone. Gross.
- The crustiness factor. Oatmeal stays moist. Longer than choco-chip. Helps me on long road trips to “SoCal” — Southern Cal — where I have family, dog that I want alive.
- Fun to pluck out raisins, make little raisin men, give little raisin men names (like: Mr. Raisin, Raisin III, Big Raisin Jr., Daniel) and have little raisin men discuss Important Things such as meaning of life, meaning of society, meaning of meaning, etc.
Man found dead. Autopsy reveal suffocation. But no marks. What happen?
Man choke on one choco-chip (dumb). Dies (dumber). Choco-chip melt, leave no evidence (clever). Family bury man, kids cry (sad). Wife launch herself on coffin — “Take me with him!” (sad).
This is the “Riddle of The Choco-Chip.” Has moral. Moral: eat oatmeal raisin cookies. Better.
Written by: Eli Flesch — firstname.lastname@example.org
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