As the end of the quarter nears, signs of life within the student body are getting harder and harder to find. Campus morale is lower overall, with the Facebook memes pages taking some dark turns, even for college meme pages. Students are burning out mentally, as well as astrologically — whatever that means.
But not all hope is lost. The National Apricots and Sandals Administration (NASA) recently discovered that there are still seven students on the UC Davis campus who contain minimal signs of life.
One of these students is Amanda Towell, a second-year managerial economics major and owner of the second-largest collection of moldy citrus in her home state of Wyoming.
“I don’t have much of a life to be honest, so it’s nice to get this recognition,” Towell said. “Little does stupid and also dumb NASA know, the only life I contain is the miniature version of the board game I carry around in my backpack at all times, just in case something crazy happens. I’ve actually been dead for years — for as long as I can remember, really,” she said before disappearing in a puff of smoke.
Another lively student discovered by NASA is Michael B. Michael, a first-year English major and author of his autobiography, Michael Michael by Michael Michael, a Michael Michael Story.
“I think what keeps me alive is myself,” Michael said. “I’m just really great. The other day I was shopping at Michael’s and I just decided to buy everything. All of it! Because I deserve it.”
Although five other students were discovered along with the two listed here, none of them were interesting enough to be included in this article. Sad. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got to go find my son.
Written by: Brian Landry — bjlandry@ucdavis.edu
(This article is humor and/or satire, and its content is purely fictional. The story and the names of “sources” are fictionalized.)
