Temporary knowledge learned for exams has left me unable to spell basic words, remember Founding Fathers
Summer has barely started for we quarter system schmucks, and my scholarly ways are already escaping my cranium like bats out of hell. That’s right. As a consequence of trying to get some “well-deserved” me-time, I’ve found myself lacking basic literacy, reading at a second-grade level and needing some Hooked on Phonics books — or, at the very least, the episode of Blues Clues in which we learn about anatomy through some weird cartoons on a computer that strangely isn’t alive like all of the other pieces of furniture in Steve’s house. Is it dead? Is technology not alive in Steve’s house? Is this a statement on how artificial intelligence is already more woke than we are? What does it all mean, Blue?!
Fun fact: There was once a children’s television show in 1974 called Bagpuss. That isn’t relevant to losing all the knowledge I gained during my second year at Davis, but man-oh-man it is a jolly little tidbit of knowledge.
Anywho. It hasn’t even been a full month of summer, yet I’ve lost the basic knowledge that I need to function, converse and, most importantly, make witty tweets so that I can gain approval from peers to whom I’d never speak in person. It’s an art form.
Most recently, I attempted to ask my mom if we could dine at a new eatery. She said she knew of a hip new joint that had fun quesadillas. I wished to ask the her name of the establishment that partook in the selling of these cheese-carb-wheels-of-fun, but alas, my knowledge had already flown out the window like Peter Pan and left me asking, “What’s the name of the food house?”
Is it restorant? Resterant? I think there’s a “u” in there, but that seems preposterous. (Then again, what part of the English language does make sense? Zing!)
Due to my constant scrolling through social media that occupies these summer days and summer nights, I’ve lost the ability to form coherent statements beyond the average length of an Instagram caption. The problem is that kids don’t want to look like they care about captions these days, so I basically can only say “#nofilterneeded” or “sunflower emoji,” which makes no sense because, typically, it’s a picture of a pool that has not a sunflower in sight! WHAT IS THIS MADNESS, FELLOW YOUTHS?
I hope to see you all in the fall, and I will need you to quiz me on my vowels, odd numbers and primary colors.
Written by: Olivia Luchini — firstname.lastname@example.org
(This article is humor and/or satire, and its content is purely fictional. The story and the names of “sources” are fictionalized.)