Humor: Manhunt underway for roommate who used effing oven in this heat

JORDAN KNOWLES / AGGIE

Tension rises as apartment reaches a sweltering 87 degrees

Residents of West Village were startled today as they witnessed 22-year-old Rachel Weissman Cordon, of apartment 21B, search for the roommate responsible for using the oven for over 45 minutes at approximately 3 p.m.

“I will kill whoever made it hot as heck in here. Literally,” Cordon said. “If it’s Michelle, we’re fine — she’s my homegirl. But God help Theresa or Sarah if they’re responsible. I’ll kick their bums right off their bodies. I will crush their bones hecka bad. I’ll cut out their gosh dang eyes.”

Cordon told The Aggie that her roommates had agreed not to use the A/C to cut down on electricity costs because each of them had already sold their excess organs to pay the West Village deposit.

“We hadn’t specifically agreed not to use the oven, but I thought that was just because we were being polite,” Cordon said. “When I got home from my O-chem lab, it was 87 degrees in the apartment. If we open the doors and windows in the morning and shut them around 7:30 and keep the blinds closed, it should only be around 80 degrees tops. If I find out someone was making a fudging pot pie, I will disembowel them.”

“I think it was Danielle,” said Jennifer Chen, one of the roommates. “She has such a boner for Digiorno’s. I moved it to the back of the freezer to make room for my macaroons and she refused to Venmo me for internet that month.”

When asked how she planned to combat the use of the oven in the future, Cordon explained that she had been taking methasterone methyltrienolone and mibolerone steroids to bulk up in case she needed to “BREAK SOMEONE’S FLIPPING SPINE IN HALF.”  

Worried about the potential damage of the drugs to her liver, Cordon asked The Aggie if liver damage would affect its black market price, as she intended to stay in West Village for the rest of the summer.

 

Written by: Parker Nevin — phnevin@udavis.edu

(This article is humor and/or satire, and its content is purely fictional. The story and the names of “sources” are fictionalized.)