Humor: Student forgets sunscreen, learns true meaning of UV: Ultraviolent Rays

ZOË REINHARDT / AGGIE

Don’t forget the sunblock. Ever.

A sunny day at the beach, not a cloud in the sky — yet Ashley Fairskyn had no idea of the hidden menace. The lurking predator. But it was far too late before she realized that this monstrosity had already sunk its teeth into her flesh.

“That was its name,” said Fairskyn, as her eyes trailed off into nowhere. “UV… Rays.” She hesitated as the name rolled off her tongue.

“Everything happened so fast,” she continued. “Before I could realize it, I had already sustained lifelong skin damage.”

Fairskyn had finally learned the true meaning of the scientific term UV rays. You thought it was Ultraviolet Rays — that’s because you’re dumb. The true meaning of UV Rays is a term much more fitting: Ultraviolent Rays.

You see, long ago when the universe was still very hot from the Big Bang, there lived a bundle of bouncing photons called “Violent.” Violent was very happy to be living all on their lonesome and was satisfied that, among the many other photons and particles of matter in the universe, they were just as meaningful and happy as the rest. But suddenly a creature, which called itself “human,” came along and decided they were very important and smart. And you can imagine how that’d make a bundle of photons feel. I mean, it’s just kind of rude.

So Violent decided that they needed to go.

“These humans have gotten to be completely annoying,” Violent said. “They’re self-important, petty and, most importantly, they never ever invite me to brunch. And they even have the audacity to assume that a bundle of photons doesn’t have a history of its own — that kind of just discounts my life story. Again, I’m not mad. I just think it’s a little impolite.”

So finally Violent became their final form: Ultraviolent Rays.

“I’d like to think I’m a little bit of a villain even though I’m really just fighting for the right of photons like me to be viewed as sentient beings,” Ultraviolent Rays said. “The whole villainous name is just to have a little fun. In the end I’m just an activist like anyone else.”

Next time, Ashley, bring the sunblock.

Written by: Aaron Levins — adlevins@ucdavis.com

 

(This article is humor and/or satire, and its content is purely fictional. The story and the names of “sources” are fictionalized.)