Two people pushed out of their jobs politely resign ON THEIR OWN TERMS
This summer’s ragtag extravaganza will soon be found in theaters near you, starring America’s sweetheart and Davis’ sweetheart together for the first time. Sean Spicer and Linda Katehi will be playing two cops in Michael Bay’s forthcoming film, Resigned (kinda).
The plot has everything. You like the good cop/bad cop dynamic commonly featured in cinema? Well, you’re going to fall in love with Katehi and Spicer’s rendition of the bad cop/bad cop dynamic. Learn to chuckle again as Spicer sweats through telling a man his “Miranda Cosgrove” rights (someone forgot to study again!) while classic Linda checks the scene for any clues (or even a spare $420,000).
Spicer proves himself to be the master of disguise, solving crimes by dressing up — even as the Easter Bunny! Katehi proves to be the stealthiest cop in the game, hiding in the CoHo behind a newspaper with two holes cut in it for her to see through, just so she can be on the lookout for anything fishy.
The two cops end up taking on a big case all on their own: finding the mean, ugly robber who took all the money bags from the local bank. After they notice that the robber set off a smoke bomb on the scene so no one would catch him, Spicer retorts, “Hitler wasn’t even this bad!” Classic Spicer, not knowing the history about Hitler or anything at all. Katehi quickly slaps Spicer’s shoulder, and then he looks into the camera and says, “Whoops!” Classic comedy.
The movie ends the way you think it would: The whole police force is crowded around our two lovable goofs, screaming at them that they should leave and that they aren’t fit for this line of work. Just then, Katehi and Spicey throw on their sickest pairs of aviator sunglasses and declare, “You can’t get rid of us if we get rid of ourselves.” They then walk away from the exploding police station.
Critics claim this movie is going to tank when it hits the big screen, but Spicer assures us that it’ll certainly have more attendees than Obama’s inauguration, even though those numbers don’t seem to add up at all.
Written by: Olivia Luchini — firstname.lastname@example.org
(This article is humor and/or satire, and its content is purely fictional. The story and the names of “sources” are fictionalized.)