Proceedings to be held in The Hague
Timothy Sanderson, a third-year biology major at UC Davis, was arrested last Monday at his apartment in West Village on charges of being aggressively negligent with the way he chewed his Cool Ranch Doritos during an organic chemistry lecture.
The police became involved via another UC Davis student, who chose to remain anonymous during their interview with The Aggie and who gave us some more insight on the situation.
“I was just sitting in my organic chemistry class, when suddenly I heard an absolutely deafening noise coming from the seat next to me,” said the student. “This jerk decided that it’d be okay to pull out a bag of Doritos in the middle of class, crumple it a bunch and finally eat his chips loudly — and slowly. So I knew immediately that I needed to contact the police and put this miscreant on trial for his crimes against humanity.”
“Also, Cool Ranch is just a disgusting flavor of chips,” they added. “Why would you not go with the classic Nacho Cheese flavor? If my peer’s incessant, selfish chewing is not enough to convince a jury that he deserves to go to jail for the rest of his life, his choice of flavor definitely should be.”
Sanderson is currently being held at a maximum security prison, where he awaits transportation to the Netherlands. There, he will be put on trial in The Hague for his egregious crimes and taste in chips.
Written by: Aaron Levins — firstname.lastname@example.org
(This article is humor and/or satire, and its content is purely fictional. The story and the names of “sources” are fictionalized.)