The Aggies produce the freshest babies in the game
UC Davis is no stranger to agricultural success: it has killed it with olive oil, saved the tomato industry and continued to make amazing wine. However, it has long been striving to win the title of “No. 1 Cabbage Patch in the Lands.” Finally, with this year’s summer harvest, the university did it: UC Davis has the freshest babies in the game.
“When I popped the first baby out of the soil, I knew we had a good bunch,” said
second-year Jimmy Pops. “The big cheeks, the yarn hair and the haunting grin were all there. We had babies of every variety. We also had one old man, but that’s what happens when Paul doesn’t fertilize properly.”
Boxes on boxes of babies sit out in the fields, waiting to be sent across the country to consumers everywhere. Cabbage Patch Babies are a great way to tell someone that you’re thinking about them or wanting them to feel like they have a haunted doll in their home. Bulk orders of Cabbage Patch Kids can be found at Costco, but one’s always a tad banged up.
“I only get my babies from the Farmers Market,” said Nat Valley, a local granola enthusiast. “Sure, they wilt sooner and they’re a lot smaller, but that’s what the planet is supposed to be full of! GMO-free babies! Get it through your head, corporate America!”
Unfortunately, with every crop of amazing babies, there are always a few duds. Students have been sifting through the supplies, pulling out some real heads of cabbage — a true disappointment. Wilted Cabbage Patch Babies are sold, but all of them look like older Michael Jacksons and seldom do well in the harsh baby market of 2017.
Gary May did the ceremonial honors of plucking the first baby from the ground.
“It is my honor to be here at UC Davis,” May said. “I hope to one day find this Cabbage Patch Baby protesting in the quad, like any born and bred UC Davis baby is destined to do.”
The baby was named Deborah Brittany and now has the honor to haunt one lucky math professor every night from the corner of his room. We can only hope that next year’s crop of babies will be even fresher.
Written by: Olivia Luchini — firstname.lastname@example.org
(This article is humor and/or satire, and its content is purely fictional. The story and the names of “sources” are fictionalized.)