What may Gary do next?
First-year student Grace Hackie could be heard yelling the question “Gary may WHAT?” last Thursday into her acai bowl, which she received in exchange for one punch in the face. Hackie’s scream rang across the CoHo, and it was clear that UC Davis’ new chancellor was the origin of her distress.
Gary May didn’t necessarily “do” anything — but at the same time, he “did” everything.
When Gary May was first announced as UC Davis’ new chancellor, many students were unsure of what exactly Chancellor Gary “may” do.
Lost in a fit of fear and confusion, students chose to take out their frustrations in different ways.
Some were found on the Quad muttering to themselves in a nonsensical daze, “What are Gary’s plans?” as they sunk into the fetal position.
Others chose to create a conspiracy theory board on Pinterest, mapping out the potential actions Gary “may” take, while pinning cute apartment decor DIYs along the way.
A few heroes, though, took to the streets to protest — the only viable option for people who have no idea what’s going on.
“I think it’s really rude to leave us hanging like that,” said Karyn Defoilers, a fourth-year student with an attitude problem. “The people have a right to know.”
It wasn’t until yesterday that students began to realize Gary May was the name of the chancellor and not just a fragment of a sentence meant to torture the masses.
“It all started to make sense when I started reading The California Aggie and stopped reading the humor articles,” Grace Hackie said. “I’m really glad I’m past that phase of my life.”
Gary May did not respond to a request for comment.
Written by: Lara Loptman — firstname.lastname@example.org
(This article is humor and/or satire, and its content is purely fictional. The story and the names of “sources” are fictionalized.)