The University doesn’t care about you.
The University of California has filed a lawsuit against the Trump Administration for unlawfully repealing DACA, arguing that 800,000 students (or as the UC calls them, monetary contributors) would be lost at the whim of an executive order.
Janet Napolitano, the President of the UC, claimed that the executive order was unlawful because it would deprive hardworking students of everything they’ve accomplished.
“The Dreamers shouldn’t be punished for being born into an immigrant family,” Napolitano said. “These are people. They deserve to be here and their money deserves to be in my wallet.”
“They’re not Dreamers, they’re, they’re Nightmare-er’s,” Trump said after learning that DACA wasn’t Dachau, which he had originally thought it was.
“Trump was rambling about getting rid of Dachau, which he called ‘DACA,’ and I told him that he was thinking of the wrong thing, he’s supposed to be getting rid of DACA, but he tells me that he’s very smart and knows what he’s talking about,” Mike Pence said in a garbled statement.
“DACA… It’s more like CACA,” Trump said. “They’re not sending their best. They’re sending rapists, murderers, drugs, crime. They’re not sending you. You couldn’t get into college — not because you’re illiterate, not because you dropped out of highschool. I’ll tell you why: You couldn’t get in because all of these — these people with problems — from Mexico, they’re debasing you —” [Pence whispers to Trump] “ — I mean displacing, they’re displacing you. And it’s bad. Real bad.”
“We intend to sue the Department of Homeland Security and the Trump Administration for all of the money that those students would have given us, however much that amounts to,” said Napolitano.
The big problem now is that the UC is trying to find a way to fill the void after all these Dreamers are tossed out and left forever dreaming.
“Well,” Napolitano said, “we’ve been trying to find a way to help these students, but the reality is, we just don’t actually care about them. The universities will suffer a huge loss that will need to be made up somehow.”
When asked how the university handles loss and what their strategies are for increasing profits, or “funding,” as some call it, Napolitano said, “Generally we just bring in more out-of-state or international students. It’s like, I’m sorry that your state or country is unbearable and you want to live here, but we just have to make it clear that, if you do come here, your bank account is going to get railed.”
“I think this will be great for us,” said Mitch Gallagher, the manager of a Davis car dealership. “It’s mostly international students who buy our Corvettes, so I don’t see a problem with the DACA elimination. In fact, I’m glad I voted for Trump.”
One of our interviewers asked Trump if he would consider changing his mind, to which he said, “I don’t see how I could do that. My head doesn’t screw open like that lizard Hillary, my mind is staying where it is,” to which the question was reiterated and dumbed down, to which Trump then said, “The real problem right now is that these people are taking a knee during the national anthem. You take a knee if you’re under Bill Clinton’s desk, and see where that gets you!”
Trump has yet to reply to any further questions, as he has locked horns with “Rocket Man” and is still dealing with the NFL’s threat to national security.
Written by: Drew Hanson — andhanson@ucdavis.edu
(This article is humor and/or satire, and its content is purely fictional. The story and the names of “sources” are fictionalized.)
