Humor: Intro to Freshman Year 101

ZOË REINHARDT / AGGIE

Things they didn’t teach you at orientation

Being a first-year can often be daunting and overwhelming, and in a brand-new metropolis like Davis, it’s very easy to get lost in the sauce/system. As a third-year who’s still not really sure about anything, I’m writing from a place of sincerity and hope that these tips carry first-years in the direction of success and opportunity.

  1. RAs: Where do I even start? You WANT to be written up. I don’t care what anybody tells you. What makes a better story than telling all your friends how you got written up last Wednesday for being too loud? Make sure to blast music or just scream. Trust me, everyone will love hearing all about it, and they’ll definitely want to be friends with a rebellious, fun guy like you.
  2. DC etiquette: This is hard to figure out, but once you get it, it’ll stick with you forever. The main thing to remember is that you want to take as much food as possible and hand it out to fellow Aggies as a peace offering. Walk up to someone who is already eating and present them with a slice of pizza that you brought home in your takeout box last night. Who cares if they’re about to leave the DC? Make them sit and eat the food you brought them. It’s about friendship and vulnerability, and this act will show consideration and thought. Everyone comes to college with the hopes of gaining the freshman 15 anyway, and I’m sure your help and dedication to the cause will get your further than you think.
  3. Getting to know your professors: Email, email and more email. I cannot stress this enough. Compared to your old high school, Davis is probably kind of big. Professors will not know you if you don’t make a name for yourself. Participating is overrated, and in such a big lecture, the professor probably won’t hear you, so don’t even bother. Office hours are for people with too much time on their hands. If you show up, it’ll give the impression that you don’t take your academics seriously and spend your free time simply chatting with professors. Send long, frantic emails as often as you can. Make sure to include snippets from your essay or assignment without any questions just so they know that you’re on track.
  4. Befriend the squirrels: I know this might seem a bit counterintuitive considering you’ve probably been told that squirrels carry diseases and can be vicious. Wrong. Here at Davis the squirrels are pretty much your biggest “in” to Davis life. They always know where the parties are happening, and they’ll always have food for you when you need it. I suggest you don’t get to know the people in your hall because they’ll only take away time from bonding with the squirrel that sits outside your window. Bonus points: Bring your squirrel friends inside to meet your roommate and RA.
  5. Roommates: This person is essentially your best friend, and by that I mean that choosing a roommate means they’re automatically your best friend. It’s one of those fun situations in which you get to skip all the preliminary getting to know each other time and polite small talk. Go straight to taking their clothes without asking and getting into their bed to cuddle with them. They will appreciate you breaking the ice and will probably reciprocate by switching rooms, because they know how much you like your own space.

 

Written by: Rosie Schwarz — rschwarz@ucdavis.edu

(This article is humor and/or satire, and its content is purely fictional. The story and the names of “sources” are fictionalized.)