What is the clitoris? Our journalists dive into the “investigation.”
You’ve heard of clams, mussels, oysters and scallops, and I’m sure you’ve chowed down on a tasty lobster, or perhaps little tiny shrimp. And I bet you’ve definitely taken a huge bite of a clitoris. Hah! I got you. One of these is not like the other. Which is it? Guess. Wrong! It’s the clitoris. Who knew!
According to a UC Davis professor, the clitoris is, in fact, a part of female anatomy and not just another type of California shellfish. I could’ve sworn I went fishing for clitoris one time in Monterey with my grandpa, but he was suffering from dementia for most of my childhood, so who knows what that prankster was up to!
Yessir, a young lad in his Anatomy 101 class was absolutely floored to learn of this mysterious (nonexistent?) piece of the female body. We talked to Chet Vegas, a sports medicine major, to learn a little more about his strange experience and to get his take on the fabled “clitoris.”
“Yeah so I was in my anatomy class, and the teacher started going on about this thing called a ‘clitoris,’” Vegas said. “I was confused, like, why are we talking about shellfish in this anatomy class? What am I, a marine biology major? So after checking my major, I realized that the teacher was way off course. I asked some of my frat brothers in the group chat about the clitoris, and we were all confused. And it’s not like we don’t have sex. We have sex. Like a lot of it. I can’t put into words how much sex we have. Anyways, I remember ‘fishing for clitoris’ one time with my uncle, but then all he did was drive us to the mall. Plus I’m from Kansas and live like 2,000 miles away from any body of water. Weird.”
So what’s the consensus on “clitoris?” Is it a shellfish? Or some strange, hidden aspect of female anatomy? Is it even real at all? Unfortunately, there’s no way to verify this. This is not something that’s easily explained by science. It’s possible we’ll never know for certain what the clitoris is.
Written by: Aaron Levins — adlevins@ucdavis.edu
(This article is humor and/or satire, and its content is purely fictional. The story and the names of “sources” are fictionalized.)
