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Friday, September 24, 2021

Humor: Freshman Exclusive: What your dorm says about your commitment to Scholastics™

MEENA RUGH / AGGIE FILE (left), FARAH FARJOOD / AGGIE (top right, bottom right)

It might surprise you!

As the Class of 20-something starts to adjust to dorm life this new school year, you might be wondering, “What does the dorm building they were forced to inhabit say about their ability to thrive in a trying and rigorous academic environment?” Luckily, The California Aggie has got this question covered. We’ve created a foolproof breakdown of what each dorm building says about the personalities of the newest pseudo-Millennials on campus.

 

Segundo

Sorry, but if you live in Segundo, you have zero-to-no chance of thriving in this academic environment. The first-years who live in these dorms probably spend most of their time shotgunning La Croix to impress their floor and then making fun of La Croix to seem cool, only for their entire floor to discover that they actually genuinely enjoy La Croix. What these people don’t know is that school is not all fun and La Croix. It’s about balance, hard work and then La Croix.

 

Tercero

We’re not going to lie, we don’t really know much about the people who are stuck in this building. We imagine that they probably spend a lot of time trying to ride cows, considering that their building is right next to where the cows are kept. Our studies show that pseudo-Millennials love cows and disturbing the peace, so that’s probably what people who live in this place do. They might also spend a lot of time trying to scavenge around Davis for things to eat, considering they have to eat at the worst dining commons at UC Davis. You might try to argue with us on this point, but our research shows that having pizza bagels, like, once a month doesn’t qualify Tercero as a top dining commons. Anyway, the first-years who live here are clearly very busy living their worst lives and cannot be bothered to thrive in UC Davis’ challenging academic environment.

 

Cuarto

We think there might be something off about the people who live here, but they can probably handle the pressure of UC Davis’ quarter system death trap. After all, these people are social rejects. They are used to doing nothing all day but complaining about school and believing that they will stay pre-med throughout college. UC Davis built a pool in this dorm for a reason: because it makes these people look like they know what fun is.

 

After looking at our detailed analysis, you might be thinking, “Uh, isn’t it kind of crazy to categorize the people who live in different dorms considering that they’re placed by a randomized system?” Maybe, but isn’t it even crazier to not categorize people based on a randomized system? We think so.

 

Written by: Lara Loptman — lrloptman@ucdavis.edu

(This article is humor and/or satire, and its content is purely fictional. The story and the names of “sources” are fictionalized.)

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