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Davis, California

Tuesday, April 16, 2024

Humor: Frats now saying “I’d TAPS that” after being screwed by TAPS


TAPS: Those Awful People Suck

Catcalling and the objectification of women have been taken one step further with reports that frats are now saying, “I’d TAPS that” in place of the traditional “I’d tap that.”

“It’s abhorrent,” said Katherine Weaver, a second-year gender studies major. “Both phrases are disgusting, but at least ‘I’d tap that’ implied that they may in some way be pleased.”

“We also say, ‘That ass is fine. You know, like a fine?” said self-identified frat bro Jared, when asked about this newly trending phrase. “But the main phrase, ‘TAPS that’ — I think it manifested out of our joint anger toward TAPS. Like, yeah, my dad can afford the ticket, but still. It’s the principle, the fact that they’re using their dirty tricks to screw us.”

With 1.8 out of 5 stars on Google Reviews, TAPS clearly cares about maintaining its image — an image similar to that of government bureaucracy.

“We modeled TAPS after the DMV’s overall attitude, along with the University of California’s motto, ‘Money Money Money,’” an anonymous TAPS spokesperson said. “It was Bernie Madoff’s idea. We still reach out to him for improvements.”

TAPS has recently been under attack by antifa, which purportedly stands for Anti-First Amendment.

“I hate TAPS,” CommuNick, who may or may not even be an enrolled student, said. “They’re a bunch of fascist dicks.”

When asked if he had received a parking ticket or something that had upset him, CommuNick said, “Oh, I don’t have a car. Those fashies wanted me to pay $10 for my bike registry.”

“You can’t win everyone over,” said Paul Morgan, the head of TAPS. “In a rush to class? A little too tired? Bad at driving in general? That’s where we make our money. But these antifa goons? They’re telling us that we’re fascists. Just because we designed our business like fascists, doesn’t make us fascists. I’d say to get a life, but really, get a car.

Some students have switched from commuting via car to taking the rail to school.

“Yeah, I tried to appeal a parking ticket and the officer said, ‘Take the rail or get railed, kid,’” an anonymous second-year said. “My old pastor said the same thing.”

There are reports that TAPS is being charged with prostitution since they’ve been screwing people for money. Such charges will likely be hard to prove, since they’ve already got Katehi wiping all claims from the internet.

“I told my friends that I got screwed in my car,” said Timmy Vargas, a first-year computer science major. “They asked me her name, and I said it was on the ticket. They all just laughed and said, ‘Ticket to dick-it?’ I don’t think they understood me, but I don’t want to say anything. I feel cool now.”


Written by: Drew Hanson — andhanson@ucdavis.edu

(This article is humor and/or satire, and its content is purely fictional. The story and the names of “sources” are fictionalized.)


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