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Monday, September 20, 2021

Humor: Trump vows to save the planet after learning it has salvage value

CAITLYN SAMPLEY / AGGIE

Researchers find Earth would sell for more in a less-destroyed state

After hours of complex calculations done by a team of experts President Donald Trump called “some of the best math heads I know,” it has been revealed that the earth’s salvage value is worth more now than if it were destroyed further.

“It would be a shame to lose all of that profit,” Trump said. “So I’m afraid that much to my foreskin” — [Pence whispers something to Trump] — “much to my chagrin, we’ll have to start aiding the EPA again.”

The initial EPA cuts proposed by Trump were in the ballpark of $2.6 billion, but the House proposed a much lower cut of $528 million, much to Trump’s disappointment.

“I don’t know where the House is,” Trump said. “All I know is they’ve got 435 people in one House. You know why that is? Because we haven’t built the wall yet. It’s coming. I’ve seen ‘Game of Thrones.’ It’ll keep them out. They say the House always wins, but I’m not going to let them. Just because we realize we have to save the earth, doesn’t mean I’m going to do it the EPA way. I’ll do it my way. It’s my way or the highway. The highway to hell.”

“What the hell are you talking about?” Pence whispered to Trump, appearing confused and distraught.

“I used to believe in God, but now I believe in Trump,” said Richard Hicks, a second-year biochemistry major. “When Trump announced his plan for saving the earth, it made sense. America’s ability to be a superpower is directly related to crushing everyone, even some of our own people. Trump gets that.”

In order to preserve the earth’s salvage value, Trump has announced his new plan on how to save the planet: ManInfest Destiny.

“We’re not going to be like Rocket Man,” Trump said. “You shoot nukes, and you know what you get? Nuclear winter. You ever seen green snow? It’s not pretty. It’s not. All this EPA money is going straight into Hellfire missiles, and we are going to level those enemies of freedom. You know what that’ll do? Flat land means building, and building means jobs. It’s ManInfest Destiny.”

Trump pretended to launch a missile into the air and exclaimed, “Hey missile, you’re fired!

“We have already destroyed the outer layer of the earth,” Pence said. “So that’s why Trump is pushing for coal mining so much. He told me, ‘We’re going to employ so many minors that Santa won’t have coal to give to the naughty kids,’ to which I replied, ‘Do you mean miners or minors?’ He stared at me for a minute before saying, ‘Does it make any difference? We’re talking about jobs.’”

Hillary Clinton has been an adamant opponent of coal mining jobs in recent time. Rumors suggest she’s worried that, if they dig deep enough, they’ll find the hole she crawled out of.

 

Written by: Drew Hanson — andhanson@ucdavis.edu

(This article is humor and/or satire, and its content is purely fictional. The story and the names of “sources” are fictionalized.)

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