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Wednesday, September 22, 2021

Humor: Extremely unpatriotic person kneels to tie their shoes

TREVOR GOODMAN / AGGIE

Get up off that knee and respect the troops, a-hole

Content warning: This story contains sexual content and profanity. 

 

Dear reader,

Now I don’t know if you’ve heard of Colin KaperDICK, or maybe one of these other darn fangled “footballers,” but wait till I tell you about them. They were disrespecting the Founding Fathers themselves. During a football game that some of these guys were gonna play in, the national anthem came on. And what did these lousy, yellow-bellied, no-willy-havin’ sons-of-bitches do? They didn’t stand. They KNEELED. They’re all thugs, and they have no respect for our Lord and Leader, Mr. Cheeto Man. Speaking of Mr. Cheeto Man, allow us now to take the time to sing to our Lord and Savior:

“Tweet us this day our daily tweets,

And grab us by our pussies,

Lead us not into racism racism,

But do lead us into subtle racism,

In the name of The Wall,

Amen.”

Now I think you know exactly how to respond to news like this. We have to make the NFL mandate that they have to stand for the national anthem. It’s only fair; how else could we possibly protect freedom if we don’t make them stop protesting? According to the national anthem, “No refuge could save the hireling and slave/ From the terror of flight or the gloom of the grave.” And in my estimation, these footballing sons-of-bitches are slaves and hirelings to the NFL. Gotta love capitalism and the commodification of human beings, baby!

And to take it a step further, I don’t think any proper real American should ever be kneeling. At all. Like the national anthem said, “O thus be it ever when freemen shall stand.” I think it should thus be that the “freemen” of this country (you know who you are) should always be standing. All the time. Any kind of kneeling, even to tie your shoes, is unpatriotic and wrong. Getting down on one knee and proposing to the love of your life? It’s out. Kneeling to weed your home garden? Hell no.

You need to get yourself into the mindset of the flag. When you see the flag, is it ever not standing up high on that flagpole? To help my son Lil Johnny understand what the flag goes through, I put him in a nice, comfortable leather climbing harness and hang him 20 feet high in my front yard for a week and fed him through an IV I’d strung up to him. Now if suspending your son in your front yard like a flag isn’t American, I don’t know what is. I myself did some time proudly flying high in my father’s front yard myself. We have to find ways to anthropomorphize the flag, and what better way to do that than role-play as one! God bless that piece of cloth, and God bless anyone who looks like me.

Signed,

American Aaron

 

Written by: Aaron Levins  — adlevins@ucdavis.edu

(This article is humor and/or satire, and its content is purely fictional. The story and the names of “sources” are fictionalized.)

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