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Sunday, April 14, 2024

Humor: UC Davis to improve dorm life by pushing Cuarto somewhere else


Just when you thought campus couldn’t get any better

After much heated debate, UC Davis has decided that it will complete the construction of Cuarto Area by doing the exact opposite — not completing it and pushing it somewhere else.

“Yeah, we thought about not doing anything with the property, considering there’s technically nothing wrong with it,” said Rosie Cuartoz, who was probably involved in the decision. “But then we were like, ‘Nah, that place has got to go.’”

While it might seem sad that Cuarto had to be pushed away so soon, we think it might be a good thing. Rumor has it that everyone who lived there was a social reject with a low-key La Croix addiction anyway.

Not to worry, though: UC Davis is planning to make use of the extra space.

“We were thinking about making a UC Davis Men’s Resource Center a while back, and now with all this open space and no one to stop us, it would be a shame if we didn’t use it,” said Aaron Mevins, a man with a bad opinion and too much power.

Well, there you have it. You know how the saying goes: If you give a mouse a cookie, it’s going to want to perpetuate misogyny.

Now, you might be wondering how UC Davis plans to physically push away an entire building, which is a good question.

We think people are really overthinking this, though. Pushing away a building is a lot easier than it seems. All you have to do is put your hands on the building and push. If you think this doesn’t work, you’ve probably never tried it before.

There’s a few things we can all learn from UC Davis’ attempt to physically move Cuarto from its current location to somewhere else. The first is how to push a building from its current location to somewhere else. The second is, more importantly, that there is never a problem too big to just push away.


Written by: Lara Loptman — lrloptman@ucdavis.edu

(This article is humor and/or satire, and its content is purely fictional. The story and the names of “sources” are fictionalized.)


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