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Monday, September 27, 2021

Humor: Amazon to offer same-day delivery on books, pencils, will to live

CAITLYN SAMPLEY / AGGIE

Amazon becomes the saving grace of the quarter system.

Amazon has been upping its game lately, whether it’s through buying Whole Foods (RIP) or, more recently, becoming the Superman for sad quarter system boyz everywhere. Yes, you heard it here first: Amazon is offering same-day delivery on a will to live.

Everyone was dazzled when the announcement was made. Even those weird little buttons that you can have in your home to press when you run out of toilet paper mid-“making a deposit in the porcelain bank” are going to be offered this new product.

“Gee-whiz!” second-year Penny Wiseman said. “I used to have to order my wills to live on eBay, and you really never know what you’re going to get from them. One time they sent me a will for thrill, and then I wound up at Six Flags instead of at my midterm. You live and you learn.”

UC Davis thankfully has a partnership with Amazon, as noted by the Amazon lockers scattered across campus. Students can get their boxes of wills to live right at the MU.

“I ordered a jumbo box the day of my O-Chem midterm,” second-year Pete Zaria said. “I used two of them beforehand and then just went ham on the rest after I took it. Thanks, Amazon!”

Some alumni are not as pleased with this new speedy method of obtaining a will to live. They find it is the epitome of Millennial privilege.

“Back in my day, you had to earn your will to live,” alumnus Harold Oldman said. “I’d walk 42 miles once a week to get my wills fresh from the factory. Sometimes I’d have to go for weeks without a will to live when the bills were slim, but that was life in the old-time years! You’re all weak, little kitty-cats now! Argh!”

There are several different types of wills to live available online today. “Hey, I got into UC Davis, so I must be doing decently” and “College is a social construct” are some examples, but the most popular is “Thanksgiving break is near, so let’s just hold on tight and prepare for impact.”

“Honestly, Amazon is leading this nation down a better path than any president could,” Melania Trump said, as she ordered seven wills to live to last her until December.

 

Written by: Olivia Luchini — ocluchini@ucdavis.edu

(This article is humor and/or satire, and its content is purely fictional. The story and the names of “sources” are fictionalized.)

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