“It was a part of our history.”
Given the events of the past year, UC Davis students have been clamoring for the removal of the Pepper Spray Policeman statue, a beautiful and elegant statue with a classical design. It commemorates the historic event of “The Pepper Spray,” an event that proclaims the power and sovereignty of our Great Leader. The statue is 20 feet tall, made of bronze and silver and features a power-tripping cop whose legal and moral obligations are blissfully nonexistent. All praise to the Great Leader.
Now these students, like the snowflakes they are, claim that this statue is “offensive” and “representative of the larger systemic abuses of power made by police officers in America.” And what do we have to say to these students? You aren’t allowed to just make up words like “systemic.” That is very clearly a made-up word. Stop making up those words.
Now to address their other claims: I’m not really sure what they are talking about, honestly. They claim that I’m a “fascist” (another made-up word), but just because I like a strong one-party state with a charismatic leader and a strong police presence does not mean I’m a fascist. Or whatever that word means, because these students keep making up words.
Most importantly, though, the statue is a part of our history. If something happened in the past, you have to commemorate it always, otherwise those people with latent multigenerational trauma won’t be able to remember the ways in which they have been and continue to be hurt.
So because of that, there has been a general outrage among people on Facebook who’ve had the same profile picture for two years of their favorite fast car or automatic rifle. Personally, my profile photo is a picture of me in front of Mount Rushmore using a clever camera angle to make it look like I’m kissing Abraham Lincoln. We few, we happy few, we band of keyboard warriors; we have a right to our voices. we will make sure to post all over everyone’s walls and let them know through a mixture of ad hominem and baseless assertions that they are wrong and we are right. It’s what God would want.
Written by: Aaron Levins — firstname.lastname@example.org
(This article is humor and/or satire, and its content is purely fictional. The story and the names of “sources” are fictionalized.)