Humor: Davis students put Stranger Things kids to shame in panicked biking contest

ZACK ZOLMER / AGGIE

Escaping monsters from the Upside Down proves less panic-inducing than a midterm

In the wake of the second season of “Stranger Things,” everyone is going to be associating bikes with the ragtag group of tweens around which the show circles. Davis students refused to lose their title of “bike lords” without a fight and thus challenged these kids to a battle: Who could ride a bike in a panic better?

You might think that children riding banana-seaters from the ‘80s while escaping a Demogorgon would definitely have much more panicked pedalling tubes (legs) compared to some young adults whose bodies are functioning off of a cup of hazelnut coffee, two chicken McNuggets and an ounce of seasonal depression — but you’d be wrong.

“I looked over at this college student,” said Mike, a character from “Stranger Things.” “I thought he was going to fall over before he even got on his bike. He was wearing a bathrobe and a pair of Birkenstocks. I was shocked that Birkenstocks were still around, more than anything. Really thought you guys were going to leave those in the last century.”

However, this bathrobe-clad hero hopped over his seat and got in the zone. In the audience, one other UC Davis fan screamed, “YOU HAVE A MIDTERM IN 10 MINUTES!” Like a Spanish bull seeing red, bathrobe boy stormed off in a frenzy, leaving the “Stranger Things” kids in his dust (both the dirt kind and the Cheeto kind).

“Are you frickin’ kidding me?” said Dustin, also from “Stranger Things.” “This kid looks worse than Will in season two. And if you’re going to comment about spoiler alerts, you literally decided to read an article about this show, so you oughtta can it, bozo.”

Other Davis students also bested the kids in biking, but with different motivations. The crowd told one of them that their pass time was in three minutes and that eduroam wasn’t working. For another, a crowd of vicious turkeys was placed behind them — and that student biked right off the edge of the universe, or at least all the way to Woodland.

“I think the lesson is that hard work will really get you anywhere,” bathrobe boy said. “And also that college is scarier than a bloodthirsty monster from an alternate dimension.”

 

Written by: Olivia Luchini — ocluchini@ucdavis.edu

(This article is humor and/or satire, and its content is purely fictional. The story and the names of “sources” are fictionalized.)