Humor: How to deal with the fact that the Plan B vending machine doesn’t dispense snacks

FARAH FARJOOD / AGGIE

University decides to supply “woman products” over “every-student necessities”

If you’re reading this, you’ve probably tried to get snacks at the Plan B vending machine at the ARC, only to realize that it does not, in fact, dispense snacks. Actually, this machine only dispenses broken dreams.

Deceiving? Yes. A rookie mistake? Also yes. But we’ve all been there, so don’t feel too bad. We’ve all had those days when we try to go to that one really niche study room at the ARC and think there’s a vending machine in there. We’ve all tried to get snacks in said machine but instead been confused, as it only seems to dispense contraceptives. Most importantly, we all know that contraceptives don’t taste the same as snacks.

If you follow this logic, you can really begin to see the problem with mistaking the Plan B vending machine at the ARC for a standard vending machine. Luckily, The California Aggie has compiled some great tips to help you cope with the injustice of promoting women’s health over providing students with Chex Mix.

Take in the fact that your rights as a student are being violated

You might be wondering, “Why have my precious snacks been replaced by products that only help women?” This is a great question that we can only blame on the matriarchy. Once we dismantle the matriarchy, your rights as a student are sure to become a part of the big picture again. It’s important to remember here that, as a student, you’re endowed with certain rights, so let the university know that you prioritize Kit-Kats over preventing an unwanted pregnancy.

Pretend to play it cool when you accidentally end up buying something

If it does happen that you only realize the machine doesn’t have snacks once you’ve purchased something from it, it’s important to keep it cool and casual. For example, try shouting to everyone in the room, “I meant to buy this tampon, it was on purpose, and it was my original intention.” Everyone in the room will be blown away by your honesty. Not only that, but they will also be wildly impressed by your decision to use a vending machine that didn’t dispense snacks, considering how mainstream that kind of thing usually is.

If you follow these tips carefully, you’ll be the talk of the niche ARC study room in no time. Everyone will think it’s so chill that you advocate for students’ rights (unless the students are women) and are vocal about your vending machine purchases.

 

Written by: Lara Loptman — lrloptman@ucdavis.edu

(This article is humor and/or satire, and its content is purely fictional. The story and the names of “sources” are fictionalized.)