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Tuesday, August 3, 2021

Humor: Guy Fieri to high-five all Davis cows, then turn them into kickin’ burgers

CAITLYN SAMPLEY / AGGIE

America’s most treasured food fanatic will come to UC Davis to treat our cows right

America’s sweetheart, Guy Fieri, is on a new quest: Diners, Drive-Ins, Dives and Davis. That’s right, you swaggy Aggie. The flaming bowling shirt himself is coming to this cowtown to bless our cattle.

When Guy Fieri was born out of a bucket of fried chicken back in 1968, he was gifted several superpowers. One of these powers is the ability to detect where the best beef on the globe is. Ladies and gents, we have been chosen. Guy Fieri is on his way to our campus as we speak, riding on a flaming Razor scooter and wearing one of those helmets that has a rubber mohawk on it (some would call it the peak of fashion).

“My nephew’s cousin’s girlfriend’s best friend’s hairdresser was all like, ‘My kid is heading to UC Davis, so I’m getting her a cow PillowPet. It’s a pillow and a pet, as we all know, that has velcro so that you can make it into a pet, but then also —’ and right about at that point while she was talking, I kicked in the door and screeched, ‘WHERE’S THE BEEF?’” Fieri rambled.

The hairdresser pointed Mr. Fieri in the direction of California, vaguely pointing westward. Fieri, with his nose to the ground like a bloodhound, sniffed out a path all the way to UC Davis. Doing some donuts with his scooter, he skidded down Dairy Road and caressed the cheeks of the cows.

“Alas, these are milkshake cows,” he whispered sweetly into their ears. “I’ll appreciate you at a later time.”

He jumped on the back of a random bike, giving one student a fright as he grabbed his waist and screamed, “Mush!”

“He just kept on shouting with joy in my ear,” the student said. “I have never encountered such pure and unbridled joy in all of my years…and it gave me hope.”

The two finally got to the beef cows and Fieri began his ritual. He took a knee in front of their enclosure and spoke “The Beef Prayer.”

“All-powerful Beef King, please bless these moo-moos with the most tender beefies of all,” Fieri proclaimed. “Allow them to live a life so good and happy that I can consume their joy by eating their sweet burger babies that will come after their earthly time is up. Together, let us be awesome. Amen I say to thee.”

Fieri stood up and, with gusto, ran down the row of cows, high-fiving each one before he sent them off to assemble the most kickin’ burger ever. The cows marched there, feeling confident, though confused. Of course, these two emotions are the only ones you can feel in the presence of Guy Fieri.

“I love this cowtown, I love these cows and I love this trip to FLAVATOWN,” Fieri hollered into the sunset.

A statue of Fieri will be made in front of the cows, reminding them of the day that one of the Beef King’s disciples came to profess the good news of juiciness and flavor.

Let’s all pour out a glass of lard for the homie.

 

Written by: Olivia Luchini — ocluchini@ucdavis.edu

(This article is humor and/or satire, and its content is purely fictional. The story and the names of “sources” are fictionalized.)

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