The nightmare before pass times
As the month of November began to eerily creep up on everyone, the usual talk of midterms and “I’m so stressed over how many things I have to do” dialogue slowed to a stop for a quick moment, when pass times were projected to come out. Students began to stress over things like units, Rate My Professors and, most importantly, their finals week schedule.
Everything was going dandy, when suddenly the booming and powerful voice of Gary May rained down on the campus to announce that yet another thing at UC Davis was going under construction. Most students ignored this initial call of chaos because May had not finished his announcement, and when things don’t pertain directly to one’s own personal gain, it’s easy to drown them out. But when his next sentence followed with: “that thing is Schedule Builder,” that was when the campus lost it. Murmurs of “it’s like SmartSite all over again” rang throughout the CoHo because, of course, something like this has already happened at Davis outside of the satirical world.
While most students assumed it would be kind of similar to SmartSite, they quickly realized that Schedule Builder is different because it’s nothing like SmartSite at all. Although there were many ways to approach this hectic and probably avoidable situation, UC Davis decided to go with its favorite method, the least practical and most time-consuming — forcing students to pick their schedules out of a hat.
Unfortunately, since Schedule Builder was down, Davis had no way of creating any type of order that would help anyone. So once again, like all things at Davis, it became a free-for-all.
“I think we have 40,000 students here, but I’m not sure,” said an anonymous student whose name has been reduced to a number after this stunt. “We seem to keep changing up the numbers every year, but either way it’s gonna be a pretty long line.”
“I just don’t see how this is fair to people who went to good public schools and came in with 30 AP credits,” said a worried first-year, who came up with their four-year plan in high school. “I mean, doesn’t that count for something?”
UC Davis responded, telling the student to “get in line and chill.”
This situation didn’t have to happen, and nobody is sure why it did. But it probably had something to do with grant money, or maybe just a scheme to screw students over so that they’d stay longer because UC Davis is deeply attached and cares dearly for each and every lovely Aggie and their student debt.
People are likely going to be too preoccupied with waiting in these lines to go to class, setting them even further behind. So hopefully OASIS will go under construction next and everyone will be able to start over with new GPAs.
Written by: Rosie Schwarz — email@example.com
(This article is humor and/or satire, and its content is purely fictional. The story and the names of “sources” are fictionalized.)