Local charmer is on the hunt for love and blood
You’re scrolling through Tinder. Nothing is standing out to you. Profile after profile, you just see pictures of dudes hiking with some bio about how they have a dog. It’s cliche, and you’re sick of it. You want a man’s man. The kind of man who screams, “I punch walls when I’m angry!” That’s when you find him: the man holding a bloody deer in his profile picture.
Do you swipe right? Is this the time for a “super like?” No one can be certain, but one thing is for sure: Even though four out of five of this guy’s pictures are of him displaying a dead animal in the same fashion as a preschooler displaying their macaroni picture frame, he is probably totally sane.
Nothing screams sanity like the glazed-over eyes of a dead animal. We have learned this from famous romantic comedies like “Psycho” and “Old Yeller.” I’ve read several love-advice books (too many love-advice books), and they all state that the most attractive trait in any human is just a sheer drive for killing. Sure, I found these books in an old chest buried in a haunted cave, but anything on paper is factual. If I can type it into EasyBib, it’s real.
There are several reasons why the man with the bloody deer is probably your match made in heaven. For one, he can clearly hunt for food in order to provide for your family, a problem that everyone encounters in 21st-century America. I haven’t eaten in weeks! These little, chubby girl hands can’t get me anything. I ate one ant, and I found it already dead. If only there was a man in my life who could just, I don’t know, shoot down like 40 small doves. Then I’d be happy.
Secondly, this means that he probably has access to guns. Guns are absolutely necessary for pretty much every single day of the year. You can also never be sure of when the zombie apocalypse might break out or when you might need to scream at some little rascals to “get the flim-flam off yer lawn!” Going steady with a man with access to guns will ensure that no meddling tweens are trudging through your peonies. Justice. Will. Be. Served.
Lastly, a man who can kill a random woodland creature is probably real strong. As every woman knows, the most intimate thing you can do with a man is arm wrestling. You’re going to want to find a man who will give you a run for your money. Little Danny-Deer-Destroyer is probably your toughest match, so it’d be wise to pursue.
Here’s to all the dreamboats on Tinder who are looking for love. You might have shot Bambi’s mom, but Cupid shot an arrow right through my heart.
Written by: Olivia Luchini — firstname.lastname@example.org
(This article is humor and/or satire, and its content is purely fictional. The story and the names of “sources” are fictionalized.)