Content Warning: This piece contains graphic sexual content which some may find upsetting.
“I just want to put myself out there in the open,” said Louis C.K. after realizing that he has learned nothing. “Each show will have a great finish. Plus, the fans know what they’re getting into since every ticket is a Meat and Greet. VIPs get to follow me back to my hotel room, where everyone knows what happens. Really, I think the fans will be taking advantage of me.”
“The Chancellor of UC Davis sends out so many fake, forced apologies, that it was easy to spot this one as total horseshit,” nihilistic writer Drew Hanson said. “Louis C.K. is clearly still perpetuating a problem that shouldn’t have existed in the first place.”
Louis C.K.’s tour will donate all proceeds to his 501(c)(3) SeeMen Comedy, which will donate 5 percent of revenue to victims of power-abusers, while the remaining 95 percent will go toward corporate fees and expenses.
“You can always make money after doing something terrible,” Louis C.K. said. “In fact, that is how the U.S. government makes most of its money.”
“There’s nothing quite as noble as being completely open about screwing people over,” Harvey Weinstein said. “I mean, once it’s out in the open, you might as well keep going until you finish with a bang, right?”
“I disagree,” said ethical human being Drew Hanson in third person, “In fact, I would say that you should make up for the damage you’ve done by stopping this from happening again, or at the very least find a way to compensate victims for the emotional and psychological damage.”
“I’m not sure what you mean by ‘victims,’” replied Weinstein, who has clearly abused his power for so long that it now seems normal to him. “I thought the only way to hurt people was by physical violence. I didn’t realize that you could scar people for life by taking advantage of them again and again.”
“Do you even understand what consent is?” asked common sense expert Drew Hanson in third person.
“Yes I do,” Weinstein said. “I consented. I don’t get what the big deal is.”
“Many people don’t understand that relationships, sexual activities and most interactions with other people outside of yourself require some form of consent,” said guy-who-treats-women-like-people Drew Hanson. “People aren’t supposed to be like squirrels. If one squirrel starts running away, then the other squirrel chases it. Men, this doesn’t work on women. Maybe it’s your vibe that says, ‘I’m a creepy rapey guy with no social skills, terrible self-control and a feeling of being powerless.’ But I’m sure there’s more to it than that. Don’t chase and don’t push forward without consent.”
“I thought she was coming onto me,” Louis C.K. said.
“I thought he was coming onto me,” an anonymous victim said.
“I thought he was coming out to me,” Kevin Spacey said.
“I thought all of you people in Hollywood were adults and role models. Fucking act like it,” said young-adult-but-more-adult-than-most-of-these-goddamn-celebrities Drew Hanson.
“They didn’t tell me to stop,” said C.K./Spacey/Weinstein/Takei/[justwaituntilnextweek] in reference to their victims. “They were like a deer in the headlights: frozen and paralyzed, and it was just too late. They shouldn’t have walked onto the road. I just kept driving.”
“That example doesn’t apply here, and it makes you sound even more sociopathic than you already are,” said Dr. Phil-osopher Drew Hanson, whose sourceless claims are very opinionated yet objectively true, according to some sources.
“The Louis C.K. masturbating to women thing was a shock. I only thought he did that to me, and I thought I was taking advantage of him at the time,” said Brett Ratner, who could’ve been spotted as a creep just by the fact that his name has “rat” in it (but who needs ad hominem when they are actually terrible).
“I am personally offended by your attacks against me and find them to be animal abuse,” said Louis C.K. who is a little bitch. “If it wasn’t clear from my standup, now you know I really am a terrible person.”
“I think dark humor is repulsive and should be censored,” said second-year Katherine Weaver. “It’s tasteless and can’t meaningfully address issues that need to be addressed. Plus imagine how terrible dark humor comedians and humorists are in real life. If all of these seemingly-kind comedians and celebrities turned out to be reprehensible scum in real life, I’d bet that those dark humor comedians are twice as bad.”
“I would say that dark humor comedians are probably just coping with depression and chronic pain, among other issues, through their humor, and trying to bring light to a world so dark,” said chronically pained and depressed dark humor comedian Drew Hanson. “Maybe when they’ve seen the worst of times, felt the lowest of lows, thought about their own death with a smile and a sense of calm on countless occasions, that is where they wanted to make sure that nobody else felt the same way. So they take the darkest of issues and make a joke out of them to take the power away from them. But what the hell do I know?”
“Triggered!” Weaver said.
Allegations have arisen that Aggie writer Drew Hanson’s writing is way more truthful than it is fictitious, according to youcannotmakethatshitup.com.
“Drew Hanson is the only source that isn’t fake news,” Donald Trump said. “Everything he says hits the head on the nail. It’s unbelievable how he can rip so many people to shreds without ending up in prison. He reminds me of myself.”
“I think the way he self-references himself is really narcissistic and egotistical,” said Richard HIcks, a student who doesn’t understand sarcasm.
Anyways, feel free to send fanmail or hatemail.
One fan wrote, “Drew Hanson, reading your writing makes me want to fuck you so hard.” I appreciate the compliment, but it just doesn’t mean as much coming from family.
Written by: Drew Hanson — email@example.com
(This article is humor and/or satire, and its content is purely fictional. The story and the names of “sources” are fictionalized.)