Humor: Winter Fashion: How to make torrential downpour look sexy

JORDAN CHOW / AGGIE

Where there’s a will, there’s a way

It’s often easy to get into the habit of wearing sweats every day during Winter Quarter as it pours rain nonstop and you question why nobody explained to you that weather happens in Davis. But I urge you to rethink this. People say winter is “cuffing season,” and my question to these individuals is: How are you going to get cuffed to your CoHo/classroom/Trader Joe’s employee crush if you aren’t dressing like you care?

The first step to making torrential downpour look sexy is accessories. And I can’t emphasize this enough — if you’re bringing an umbrella to school, you best make sure your backpack and rain boots match it perfectly. If you think anyone is going to look your way if your clear umbrella doesn’t match the rest of your wardrobe, I urge you to think again. My solution: Plastic bags. They’re cheap, sexy, easy to find and have a hint of originality. So put some bags on your feet (double points if you don’t wear shoes underneath), carry your books in a nice trash bag over your shoulder and make a nice poncho that says “I’m practical but fun” with any extra plastic bag scraps. You won’t regret it.

People always talk about fenders for bikes, but what they neglect to mention is that fenders can be worn as articles of clothing. I don’t quite know how yet, but it’s in the works. I mean, maybe just try taping it to your back and having the rain pour right off you. It’s a drainage system that will allow you to show off your clothes under 50 layers of rainwear.

This next suggested item is a personal favorite of mine, and while it might not have any place in a list like this, I think it’s time to bring Juicy tracksuits back for everyone. I want to walk into class and see my professor in the limited-edition velour that I wanted for my birthday. They’re warm, stylish and will create a sense of community if everyone on campus is in their Juicy products during such a wet and miserable part of the year.

You’re probably going to get sick from this rain, and since no one knows how to make appointments at student health, you’ll probably end up convincing your roommates to drive you to an urgent care for your cold. In the event that this happens, which it will, I suggest you ask for a few extra hospital gowns for a night out on the town. Let’s be honest, your weekend clothes probably can’t handle the extreme weather of Davis, so it would probably be better to just go out in a disposable gown. Double points if it comes undone while you’re out.

While the fashionable items in this list have no particular order or relation to one another, it’s important to change your mindset of how you view the winter. It will rain and you will hate it, but why not look like a baller while doing so? I have provided the perfect list of items to mix and match while allowing room for creativity and innovation. You will never see me during Winter Quarter without wearing at least one of these items, and I will be personally offended if nobody follows this fashion-forward advice.

 

Written by: Rosie Schwarz — rschwarz@ucdavis.edu

(This article is humor and/or satire, and its content is purely fictional. The story and the names of “sources” are fictionalized.)

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