Humans are about to get stuffed
After a very deadly and delicious Thanksgiving, the turkeys who evaded being devoured are now regrouping to strike back against the humans who ate their families. The turkeys were incensed by the holiday, whose historic origins were not only problematic in their estimations, but also needlessly excessive.
The turkeys are preparing for a full-on assault of downtown Davis, having sent scouts far in advance to scope out the town and find its weaknesses. The types of assaults that can be expected range from overturned garbage cans to the stealing of food from people at restaurants. These turkeys are very angry and very merciless.
One UC Davis student, Brian Smith, had a run-in with these turkeys recently.
“They stole my wallet and lightly pecked my feet,” Smith said. “It was annoying at the time, but became increasingly more humiliating later that night as I thought about the fact that I had been bested by a group of turkeys. I guess that’s what I get for supporting the factory farming industry. Oh well.”
Davisites are nervous about the impending turkey assaults and so are preparing themselves for whatever the turkeys may bring against them.
Written by: Aaron Levins — adlevins@ucdavis.edu
(This article is humor and/or satire, and its content is purely fictional. The story and the names of “sources” are fictionalized.)
