It’s that time of year again
If I calculated this weird system of weeks correctly, I believe finals are approaching. But I also could be wrong and might be missing a final as we speak. I don’t know. Anyway, it’s that time of year again when everything you’ve had no time to do actually has to be turned in for a letter that determines your intelligence. What does this mean for you? It’s time to get cozy with Peter J. Shields. It’s cuffing season, and by that I mean you should cuff yourself to the library because you have about three days to do two years’ worth of work. It’s all-nighter time, and I’m going to guide you through the proper etiquette to having a one-night (or one-week) stand with the library and leaving with your dignity intact the next day.
Staying overnight at a place you don’t know too well with people you don’t know at all can really throw you out of your element. And during this jolly holiday season with no time to spare, it’s important that you don’t let the cold and uninviting atmosphere of the library get to you. My advice: Make it feel like home. Bring that Chance the Rapper poster from your dorm and maybe your roommate and their annoying boyfriend, too. And please don’t hesitate to bring your Keurig into the library, because lord knows the CoHo will close before your all-nighter will even begin.
Toiletries are important, and if you’re going to make this work I suggest you bring them all. While there is no shower in the library (although there should be), there are sinks that you should utilize as best as you can. Instead of procrastinating by doing whatever it is you do, go wash your hair in the sink. Since the library is so cold, you’ll probably want to bring a blow dryer. Good thing the Main Reading Room has outlets! Trust me, this study break will leave you feeling clean and refreshed and ready to tackle that honors thesis you were supposed to be working on all quarter.
The thing about an all-nighter is that you’re not supposed to sleep. But if you’re doing this in the healthy and clean way, then you’ll probably want to take quick short naps to restore your REM cycle in intervals of 23 minutes. If you’re like me and can’t sleep on anything other than a Sleep Number mattress on level 45, it’s going to be rather hard for you to adjust to the stiff chairs and fake tile floors that most common folk usually sleep on during their all-nighter power naps. So you probably want to bring your mattress from home. Also, since this requires a strict timer, make sure you choose a proper alarm that will wake you up from your princess slumber calmly and effectively.
The final thing I suggest about an all-nighter in the library is that you try and avoid it at all costs. By all means, please partake in the “all-nighter” festivities of stress and bonding over said stress, but do it with the security that you already have everything done. It’ll be nice to feed off of how unprepared everyone else is, and you will get to partake in all the fun typical actions of not having an outlet or place to sit. But deep down you won’t even care — you’re a prepared student!
Written by: Rosie Schwarz — firstname.lastname@example.org
(This article is humor and/or satire, and its content is purely fictional. The story and the names of “sources” are fictionalized.)