Nothing says “I’m sorry” like an expensive gift
If you thought UC Davis didn’t care about you before, prepare to be proven wrong. Yes, the rumors are true: UC Davis has decided to gift its students not one, but two awkwardly placed massage chairs on the second floor of the MU.
You might be asking yourself, “What did I, a lowly student, do to deserve such an extravagant gift?” Though a very common question, not a lot of people know the answer: the university is giving back to its students because students have already given so much to the university.
At this point, you’re probably wondering what you’ve given the school other than your time and dignity. But that means you’ve forgotten that, while UC Davis has crushed your spirit, it has also depleted your wallet in the process.
Yes, you guessed it, UC Davis has actually been raising student fees in recent years and allocating the money to several causes, all without students knowing.
To be fair, a lot of the causes that students unknowingly pay for through their tuition fees bring a lot of societal benefits. For example, one of these causes just so happens to make sure that La Croix is always available at the CoHo, like, basically all the time. Think of all the possibilities. Pretty cool, right?
Well, the fun doesn’t stop there. Another cause students unknowingly fund is actually a very small cork at the end of the tunnel that was built for toads downtown. Ever noticed that there are, like, no frogs on campus? Now you know why.
You might be alarmed at this point, thinking, “I’m funding the cork to this very niche frog tunnel downtown that I didn’t even know existed?” You might even call this a “misappropriation of funds.” Well, what is a misappropriation of funds to the average student just so happens to be what UC Davis would consider a misappropriation of fun if it didn’t use your money to help the frogs.
So, the next time you think about being ungrateful for all the things UC Davis does for itself as a school and you as a student, remember this gesture of gratitude. Remember the massage chairs.
Written by: Lara Loptman — firstname.lastname@example.org
(This article is humor and/or satire, and its content is purely fictional. The story and the names of “sources” are fictionalized.)