Humor: Allegations arise that Dining Commons puts food in its garbage

ZACK ZOLMER / AGGIE

Rats found in trash cans reveal that students have been wasting good meat

Allegations have arisen that the Dining Commons puts food in its garbage.

“I went in expecting the usual,” first-year Christian Romero said. “But instead of used hypodermic needles and baby diapers, Tomato Street Grill was serving mostly real meat.”

“We found some rats in the trash cans,” said the Head of the Tercero DC, who is literally just a floating head. “If students don’t plan on eating the rats, then they shouldn’t take them in the first place.”

A recent environmental leak from the Tercero DC killed all of the Tercero cows, which led to steak for dinner every single night. The downside was that many students reported radioactive diarrhea, which was drastically different from the usual toxic diarrhea.

“We plan to destroy Cuarto,” the Head said. “Their meals are actually pretty good and pose a threat to our customer base.”

“We’re always following behind Tercero,” said the legs with a face for a butt that runs the Segundo DC. “Which is a problem since they’re like way behind Cuarto. You’d think we would be in second place because of our name, but we’re like fifth place since some students prefer raiding dumpsters for scraps over coming here.”

“We were really going for the Ikea vibe with Tercero,” said hero-of-the-people Linda Katehi. “Segundo was basically just to meet a quota. Cuarto was supposed to be a homeless shelter, but it turns out that the people that feed the homeless actually really care about food quality. Cuarto is an elitist hipster place like Whole Foods, which is why it needs to be destroyed.”

“I worked as a prison chef, and they kicked me out for making terrible quality food,” Chad Tucker said. “They called my prison food ‘death row’ because I successfully killed more people than the lethal injections. The DC is alright, but I miss having better ingredients to work with.”

“I believe that the quality of my life diminished ever since I started eating at the DC,” said a horribly mutated student whose name we could not understand through their guttural groans. “Something has gone horribly wrong with my life. I think I’m dying. They wok’d all over me.”

“Most of this article is filler,” said writer Drew Hanson. “Just like the food at the DC. The difference is that my writing won’t give you the shits.”

“We like to be environmentally friendly here at Davis,” the campus overseer said. “The water is poison. The walls are made of asbestos. The roads look like they just suffered an earthquake, especially near Wellman. We like to rebuild things that don’t need to be rebuilt and let important things like the arts facilities rot and decay. Ever noticed we only rebuild things that will allow us to rake in more money? The MU. The Silo. Our reputation as a respectable administration. We’re very progressive.”

“I think the dining commons are great,” said second-year political science major Richard Hicks. “If you feed people trash, they will just keep eating it up. Just look at my hero, Trump. That’s what he does.”

 

Written by: Drew Hanson — andhanson@ucdavis.edu

(This article is humor and/or satire, and its content is purely fictional. The story and the names of “sources” are fictionalized.)