Humor: Trump to end nut neutrality as eugenics program rolls out

VENOOS MOSHAYEDI / AGGIE

Or does he mean crazy people?

After a public spectacle during which President Donald Trump and Vice President Mike Pence openly argued about their perceptions of Nut Neutrality, two things were made manifest: Both have wildly different understandings of Nut Neutrality, and both most certainly have Americans’ interests at heart.

“I thought this was about getting rid of nuts, like crazy people?” Pence said.

“No, this is the eugenics program you’d talked about prior to the election,” Trump replied.

“Trump, can you elaborate on the eugenics program?” Drew Hanson, avant-garde reporter of the truth, asked.

“The main problem with our [huge] government is that we often end up in a state of gridlock,” Trump said. “This can be fixed through our two-policy combo: One child is allowed per family, and the other gets to work the coal mines. And with eugenics, we will only allow for conservative children to be born.”

“As a side note, I heard that you were cutting health benefits for miners affected by black lung. Can you explain that?” asked Drew Hanson, decimator-of-alternative-facts.

“We don’t talk about black lung,” Trump said. “It’s a racist term. Roy Moore had sex with a minor. You know what he got from Santa? Coal. Which means jobs.”

“How do you plan on rolling out this eugenics program?” Drew Hanson asked, curious yet full of despair.

“Most liberal young men go to college, so we’re planning on killing their sex drive through monotonous coursework,” Trump said.

“I think I’ve been affected,” said Drew Hanson, a student with good grades and a dying libido.

“The program has been in place since the ‘90s — we’re just ramping it up,” Trump said.

“I believe our other Nut Neutrality program may conflict with this,” Pence said. “We plan to kill off all of the crazy people, but that would eliminate most of the consumer base.”

“You mean Twitter followers?” Trump replied.

“Trump,” Drew Hanson started, “I was told that we’d know about aliens once you became president since you can’t keep your mouth shut about anything. Any thoughts on that?”

“Let me ask you something, smartass,” Pence said. “Have you ever noticed that most adults seem to die right as they are at the end of their time in the workforce? Cancer, heart attack, stroke in their ‘40s — that’s what I call a Pence-sion Plan.”

 

Written by: Drew Hanson — andhanson@ucdavis.edu

(This article is humor and/or satire, and its content is purely fictional. The story and the names of “sources” are fictionalized.)