Humor: New Year’s resolution: Don’t Listen To The Globalist Agenda Of Making The U.S. Men’s Soccer Team Better

ERIK DROST [(CC BY 2.0)] / FLICKR
This idea for self-improvement is so cute — and so easy!

Perhaps you find yourself in the new year hazily gripping to reality through the fog of a hangover. Perhaps instead you’re simply buried in regret because Kyle called you up and you went to see him and it just made you feel bad because he just wanted someone to kiss at midnight, and like it’s not a big deal but you just kind of feel used… go to hell, Kyle. I can’t and won’t be used by you anymore.

Anyway, wherever you find yourself after this New Year’s, whether it be in a state of happiness and optimism or weary reluctance, I have one very quick, easy and essential tip to help you make the most of this brand-spanking-new year.

Under no circumstances whatsoever — no matter what they say or try to use on you — believe the globalist agenda that we must make the U.S. men’s soccer team better. There are so many reasons why this is a problem, and I can list them if you aren’t willing to just take my word for it. Oh, okay, fine I’ll say them, if you insist. Well, I will say at least one.

Soccer is a globalist sport because the ball is a sphere. Well, what does a spherical play thing have to do with geopolitical policy? If you are saying that to yourself right now, then you are probably not the most smart person. That’s okay, I’m going to tell you what it is anyway.

Globalist: from that we get the word global. From global, globe. From globe, we can think of the Earth. From the Earth, we may instead want to switch to something more spherical, since the earth is flat and really isn’t a great example of what I’m getting at. How about SPHERE. And what was it I said earlier about goddamn spheres? A soccer ball is a SPHERE. So let’s connect the dots if you are not following. Globes are spherical, soccer balls are spherical. Therefore, because of the mathematical rule of commutation, globalists and soccer balls are directly related.

Use this cute fact to change the way you go about your new year. I’m sure it will make your 2018 much better!

 

Written by: Aaron Levins — adlevins@ucdavis.edu

(This article is humor and/or satire, and its content is purely fictional. The story and the names of “sources” are fictionalized.)