Humor: Applying to things other than college: what to leave off your resume

KAILA MATTERA / AGGIE

Not just the obvious stuff

As some of you lucky students begin to think about what it’ll be like to escape this problematic sub-system known as college and enter a lifetime of working for other problematic sub-systems, you might want to consider making something called a resume. Resumes can be complicated in your 20s, when jobs and internships are just disguised as manual labor for more important people (I don’t know if that ever changes). However, it’s important to know what to exclude from your resume when continuing the trend of how you lived the last four (or seven) years at Davis with full consideration of your future.

I’m assuming most people know the obvious things to leave off. So following the lead of my professors, I’m just going to jump right into the specifics without giving any background information. Instead, what I’ll warn you against is including things that you might see as positive assets to your personality. But I assure you, they are not.

How communicative you are/Attachments of desperate emails you sent your professors at 4 a.m.: One thing people seem to be really proud of is when they convince their professor to round their 79.89 to an 80, etc. While this is a great table topic when you’re bragging about how little work you did while still managing to escape with the grade you wanted, keep in mind that you might not want to disclose how desperate you can be. While it shows commitment and lack of self-respect, your future employer probably could go without reading how your cold during week one lead to your overall academic decline.

How adaptable you are: This is generally a good trait. But when applied to day-to-day Davis life, adaptability is more of a test of your willpower than anything else. Examples can range from how long you were able to wait in line at the CoHo to how okay you became with sitting in class sopping wet all winter, or maybe even to how desensitized you are to being accidentally elbowed all class by the two toxically masculine figures sitting on either side of you. However, these all just show how okay you’ve become with the un-okay during your time at college. And in the adult world, where none of this will change, I suggest it might be time to raise your standards.

How much perseverance you have: How close you were to almost dropping out might be your proudest story of perseverance that you laugh at after you graduate. But to future employers, this cute little story of being beaten down by the system just shows that you might not be able to handle the continuation of extended stress that never seems to disappear. So I would just quit while you’re ahead and explain how you persevered through the quarter even after you got that horrible cold during week one.

 

Written by: Rosie Schwarz — rschwarz@ucdavis.edu

(This article is humor and/or satire, and its content is purely fictional. The story and the names of “sources” are fictionalized.)