Forbidden fruit prevails as the students’ favorite food
Tide Pods are the great mystery of America, with their delicious-looking colors and forbiddenness. Logically, we all know that we aren’t supposed to eat a sack of bleach and detergent, but spiritually, we are connected to these jewels of mystery. With Winter Quarter strutting through the door like a cowboy no one invited to the saloon, students have grown even more infatuated with these little wonders.
“Oh, I eat damn near 10 pods a day!” third-year Noah Chipper said. “The first one is always out of curiosity, but the last nine are always with the attempt to make Winter Quarter fade away… like a stain on a fresh pair of pants… or on your favorite shirt after your ex throws her drink on you. I’m looking at you, Marianne!”
The CoHo has taken advantage of this new snack craze that has jazzed up the campus. It will be offering Tide Pods as an optional topping for both acai bowls and taco salads, so you can get your pods any time of day.
“I’ll get pods on my salad every Friday to treat myself,” said second-year Susan Bowl. “My New Year’s resolution was to watch what I eat, but no one knows the caloric value of Tide Pods, so they’re basically like eating air. I can eat as many as I want! I’m invincible! I can fly!”
Students believing that they can fly is just one of many side effects that come with Tide Pod addictions. Many people have been found standing in the Quad with one fist above their head, like Superman, just hoping that their bodies will naturally lift themselves. However, some of these fists in the air have been mistaken for protests, causing other students to flock to them to get in on the nonexistent action.
“I’m a simple man: I see a fist in the air, I go,” said first-year Diego Pear. “So, there I was, charging toward this kid in the Quad, thinking we’d be chanting about something, but it was just a group of seniors who had eaten like 40 Tide Pods. I felt awkward, so I put my fist up too and waited five hours until they gave up. It was treacherous.”
Professional fake scientists agree that Winter Quarter is totally why people are chugging these bleach berries.
“These kids are cray!” said fake scientist Dr. RuPaul Dragrace. “Winter Quarter gets all sad and then they immediately go to the laundry room? No! Get yourself a dog and let’s keep going.”
Tide’s executives created a child lock for the bags that they are stored in, but alas, UC students are just wise enough to crack the “push down and slide” mechanism. It took them two weeks to figure it out, though.
“This new design almost ruined my life!” third-year Harriet Brushers said. “I missed 14 days of sweet fruits.”
God is confused as to why Tide Pods are such a big deal for college students.
“You pepper in a lil’ seasonal depression, and they resort to eating forbidden fruits? Again? Really? Ugh!” he said.
Written by: Olivia Luchini — firstname.lastname@example.org
(This article is humor and/or satire, and its content is purely fictional. The story and the names of “sources” are fictionalized.)