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Sunday, October 17, 2021

Humor: Portal to Hell discovered in Olson Hall, doesn’t cover smell of rancid piss

KYLA ROUNDS / AGGIE

Demons in classrooms may look like your friends — if you have friends, that is

A portal to Hell was discovered in lower Olson last week when first-year Max Williamson was shredded apart by feral demons who were initially thought to be protesters from UC Berkeley.

“We see this as an opportunity to bring the community together and also as a chance to make more money,” Gary May said.

“I just want my son back,” Dana Williamson, the mother of Max Williamson, said while bawling her eyes out. “On the bright side, the university has promised me stock in the new fracking operation they plan on building in Hell, which will probably bring me more happiness than Max ever did.”

Olson didn’t just smell like the usual rancid piss that leaches from the restroom floors into the rest of the building. Instead, it reeked of an oddly fruity scent, which mixed with the urine to create a sort of caustic designer cologne smell.

“Our main concern is that the portal may cause damage to Olson’s infrastructure and start dropping asbestos all over the place as the walls and ceiling decay. SHIP covers demonic interference and attacks but not asbestos-related health problems,” said Department of Health official Lar G. Rection.

Some of the demons who have escaped from the portal are now entering classes, wearing the flesh of students and attempting to fit in. They have primarily infiltrated political science classes, with some of them already drafting plans to run in the local elections.

“The problem with the demons is that they make roll call absolutely dreadful,” said Moe Lester, a professor of psychology. “I’ll ask, ‘Is Mr. Jim Diamond here?’ and they’ll say, “It’s Jim Belphegor Marduk Diamond, and I identify as a third level of Hell succubus and mind flayer.’ I thought they were an incubus.”

“These poor demons are getting so much hate,” said second-year Katherine Weaver. “And it’s mostly from xenophobic alt-right members like Dana Williamson. Sure, every once in a while a demon eats your kid’s face off. But to deny all of them an education because of that?”

“We’re looking at creating a program to help get these demons into the system and with proper financial aid,” Gary May said. “Trump killed DACA, so we’ll see what he thinks of our program to help demons in universities. We’re still thinking of a catchy name for the program that will support all of these ‘nightmarers.’”

“I’m mainly disgusted that these demons will get an American education and then leave America and contribute to Hell’s economy,” President Donald Trump said. “I think it’s about time to invade Hell.”

 

Written by: Drew Hanson — andhanson@ucdavis.edu

(This article is humor and/or satire, and its content is purely fictional. The story and the names of “sources” are fictionalized.)

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