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Saturday, July 31, 2021

Humor: Reasons why a diva like me would never survive on the Yolobus

VENOOS MOSHAYEDI / AGGIE

Yolobus ain’t *BLEEP* but hoes and tricks

A great philosopher once said, “A diva is a female version of a hustler.” But I happen to disagree. Contrary to popular belief, I think that a diva is actually a person who refuses to ride the Yolobus because of her own personal aversion to most public transportation in a city that has a very small tunnel for frogs. I also believe this definition encompasses more than just male or female hustlers. It may not be obvious, but I’m actually talking about myself.

There are many reasons I believe a person like myself would not be able to survive a treacherous escapade on the Yolobus™, and I’m happy to share just a few of the most glaringly obvious ones that will have you saying, “That makes sense.”

The Bus Moves

Not a great attribute of a bus. Everybody knows that divas don’t like motion, so this is a big problemo. If the bus moves, not only will my Chakras be misaligned right out of their respective places, but I’ll get motion sickness from the lightning-fast speed of the vehicle and be dizzy for days — maybe even weeks — after.

The Bus Lacks Personal Space

A diva needs her (OR HIS) personal space. If you deprive a diva of their personal space, they’ll die. Therefore, it’s very important you shut your mouth and give me and the diva community our space. If you’re wondering why we need so much space, it’s to make room for the tiny dogs we always have shoved away in our purses. Also, just because my dog is actually stuffed and the stuffing is Marc Jacobs receipts doesn’t mean he doesn’t need space like the rest of us.

The Bus is Off-Brand

The Yolobus ultimately lacks a brand presence, and for a diva that’s simply unacceptable for transportation. Everybody knows that Unitrans is an on-brand competitor with the Yolobus, and while I would rather roll up to school in my luxurious, to-die-for Honda Civic, it would really be devastating to my career to come to school on the Yolobus. Please take a minute to put yourself in my shoes and imagine how embarrassing it would be to come to school all dressed up in my usual Gucci and Givenchy attire and then step out of an off-brand bus. The social impact would ruin me.

Obviously, divas cannot survive on the Yolobus. If you see a diva on the Yolobus, help her (OR HIM), and forcibly remove them from the bus as soon as possible. It’s for the better, even if it might not seem like it in the moment. Always remember, divas are people just like the rest of us — we’re just a little more important and drive nicer Honda Civics.

 

Written by: Lara Loptman — lrloptman@ucdavis.edu

(This article is humor and/or satire, and its content is purely fictional. The story and the names of “sources” are fictionalized.)

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