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Thursday, October 21, 2021

Humor: Jesus Christ cancels resurrection due to protesters

CAITLYN SAMPLEY / AGGIE

Father and Son talk it out

A strange object descending from the sky was initially thought to be Jesus Christ, but after further investigation was determined to be an ICBM from North Korea headed straight toward the White House. While many people wish it would’ve hit successfully, others were concerned that the extreme radiation and nuclear winter would turn the majority of the politicians into super mutants, allowing true tyranny to form.

Of course all of this chaos was quickly swept up and hidden from public eye, especially after the revelation that Jesus Christ was supposed to be resurrected on Dec. 17. The resurrection date was announced by God on Facebook, which was met with criticism from many religious folk who felt that God was inept for choosing a dead social media platform that’s mostly infested with old people who reply by leaving a comment, rather than leaving a “reply” comment. Others were merely upset that God used over 280 characters, the Twitter standard, since many common folk cannot process that many characters at a given time.

“People are so f—ing pathetic,” God told atheist Drew Hanson through a magic conch shell. “I think what gets me the most is their stance on abortion. I love babies, so I’m pro-abortion. Heaven is mostly full of adults, and I’m just not into them. I already aborted Jesus twice, which people thought was their own free will, so I’m not against doing it a third time.”

The significance of the Dec. 17 resurrection date wasn’t explained, but from what we can infer it’s a tribute to the theatrical release of “The Dark Crystal,” one of the greatest films of all time that came out on that day in 1982.

Protesters gathered at the supposed resurrection spot, located near the Dakota Access Pipeline, with pickets reading, “Jesus please wait for Trump’s wall!” Those who feared that his resurrection meant the oncoming of the rapture held pickets reading things such as, “Jesus, can you please wait until Christmas so I can take the iPhone X my parents are getting me to Heaven? P.S. They are getting me one, right?”

Roman reenactors gathered at the scene, ready to crucify Jesus for a second time, or as some have called it, “double-cross him.”

“Dad, I don’t know if I want to go down there,” Jesus said. “Just like Bill Hicks said, they are still wearing crosses. Would you wear a scoped rifle necklace to a JFK memorial?”

“Jesus, Jesus,” God said. “I think I’m going to have to send a tsunami wave toward another reactor. This shit is unreal.”

“I just wanted to go down there to announce the third edition of the Bible, which will be exclusively digital and include in-app purchases. But here I am wanting to burn crosses,” Jesus said.

The other Bible update was to clarify that the blood of Jesus is a reference to him being a vampire, and consequently all of his followers must suck.

After extensive debating, the United States military decided to label everyone near the Dakota Access Pipeline a terrorist and kill them all to protect our freedom, although I think they really just wanted to kill all opposition to the pipeline.

Jesus canceled the resurrection, either due to humanity having learned nothing or in anticipation of the Dark Souls remaster coming to PS4 in May 2018.

 

 

Written by: Drew Hanson — andhanson@ucdavis.edu

(This article is humor and/or satire, and its content is purely fictional. The story and the names of “sources” are fictionalized.)

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