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Tuesday, October 26, 2021

Humor: Oily scalp? Watch out for the U.S. military

JAMIE CHEN / AGGIE

U.S. implements new system of skullfracking

The U.S. military’s time-tested approach of invading non-white countries and labeling areas as terrorist hotspots in order to extract all their oil is as unethical and effective as ever. Unfortunately, America’s oil consumption has increased so rapidly that we’re failing to meet the demands of Escalade-driving gasmongers and jacked-up V8 hicks. The military has taken up a new approach to getting oil: skullfracking, in which they drill into the skulls of those with oily scalps in order to extract the only thing that makes them valuable — crude oil.

“I knew that when my Billy-Joe was popping off left and right with swear words that he had become crude,” said a stereotypical mother from Woodland. “That’s when I called the local recruiting branch, and they came right for him.”

I personally watched the entire event unfold. They took the Naruto headband off and rubbed their hands over the scalp. The moment I saw all that dandruff and grease was the same moment one of those government goons whipped out a titanium step drill bit and bored right into his head. Blood was spraying all over the place, and the mother said, “I pray to the Lord that my poor boy won’t die.”

“It’s a much cheaper form of fracking,” said a businessman who was pretending to be ethical. “We pump nationalist jargon and buzzwords into the mind and extract the oil that makes them so crude.”

After the procedure, the government goons stuck some crumpled up toilet paper, probably The New York Times, into the kid’s head hole, and then covered it all up with a MAGA hat.

When asked how he felt after the procedure, Billy-Joe exclaimed, “All lives matter!”

“This is a pretty efficient way to instill propaganda in our fanbase while treating them as human capital,” said Drill Sergeant A. Nellsechs, the worker who performed the procedure. “But they also could’ve gotten that through a career in the military.”

UC Davis students appear to be exempt from the procedure, as their minds have already been indoctrinated by the university. Nonetheless, the Anime Club and computer science majors seem to be the next targets. So if you see someone with an oily scalp, please call 866-740-4531.

 

Written by: Drew Hanson — andhanson@ucdavis.edu

(This article is humor and/or satire, and its content is purely fictional. The story and the names of “sources” are fictionalized.)

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