Humor: Y’all got any thoughts on bears?

CAITLIN SAMPLEY / AGGIE

Positive, negative and even lukewarm thoughts are all acceptable

For years, I’ve had the question, “Y’all got any thoughts on bears?” running through my mind like Usain Bolt in his prime. Do people have thoughts on bears? Have people even seen bears? Are they a myth? Are they human? Are they dancers?

Surely, the people have these answers. Nay! The people of Davis have these answers. I took to the streets with my imaginary microphone to get everyone’s thoughts on the most dramatic stars of the mammal world.

First of all, I haaad to ask Gunrock about his thoughts on bears. I found him in his usual spot, as a cardboard cutout in the Office of Undergraduate Admissions.

“Gunrock, what are your thoughts on bears?” I asked. No response. Not a single word. I soon realized that this was merely a fake Gunrock and found the real one feeding the ugliest duck in the Arboretum because he’s that nice. I repeated my question. His answer was not shocking.

“Bears?” Gunrock repeated. “Bears as in Cal Golden Bears? Pffffft, they’re nothing. Look at us. We used to be their ag extension and now we are coming at them! Hooves blazing! Why I oughta! Bears? I can’t bear them. Good day!”

He angrily threw his whole loaf of bread into the delicious green water. I moved on, realizing that he needed a moment. I found Gary May LARPing with some pals along the Arboretum’s path and figured that he’d be a cool guy to ask about bears.

“I vastly prefer the sehlats,” May said. “They’re a giant, bear-like beast native to Vulcan! You can see him in the Star Trek animated series. The episode is called ‘Yesteryear.’”

With a recommendation in my back pocket and still zero answers about thoughts on reeaal bears, I took to the streets. No one in the entirety of the MU would give me the time of day. Well, that one guy who at one point had a dog but now doesn’t approached me, but any time that I brought up bears, he brought up Satan and we were clearly just not connecting. I assume people thought that I was trying to hand out fliers for a hip, new club about bears, but I just wanted their genuine thoughts. This is why everyone in college has no friends!

With no leads at all, I had to go to the internet for the answers I needed. I still held my invisible microphone for the sake of style, though.

“Quite frankly, bears should be the new dogs!” my drunk roommate said.

“Personally, I think bears look better when they’re shaved,” said some crazy man with an avatar of a small yet violent looking bird (suspicious, as he clearly has a thing for weirdo critters).

“I’d be friends with a bear,” said one woman who was voted “most likely to get straight-up murdered” in high school.

Additionally, there were several puns about bears given to me from people all over the small community that I have on the internet. I would have written these puns, but the task would be unbearable. I’d bear-ly skim the top of the pun world that could’ve existed in this article.

Alas, I digress.

To make a long story short, I finally learned the people’s thoughts on bears. Perhaps one day, I shall learn my own thoughts on the beasts so heckin’ tough that they earned their own store… Build-A-Bear… the toughest company on the planet.

If y’all got any thoughts on bears, please tell me. I’m always fishing for them. You can reach me at 555-HMM-BEAR.

 

Written by: Olivia Luchini — ocluchini@ucdavis.edu

(This article is humor and/or satire, and its content is purely fictional. The story and the names of “sources” are fictionalized.)