First of all, they don’t like being called petty
Now you may know me as a man who loves his peyote, or perhaps as that guy with the bomb shelter in the middle of the Sonoran desert. Perhaps you know me as the man with all the absolutely bonkers theories about Hillary secretly being a lizard. (I can link you some great documentaries — they’re like four hours long each but SERIOUSLY it will change your life and also make you much more suspicious of lizards in general.) You may think that these minor details of my totally normal and stable life make me an otherwise uncredible witness regarding the petty gods of our beloved cow town. But that’s where you’re wrong.
I’m actually, besides a full-time student, a part-time prophet of the gods of Davis, splitting my time between them all and prophesying like a clairvoyant paternal prophet who’d like to see all his children succeed.
I’d like to provide you with this comprehensive guide to the Petty Gods of Davis.
The Wind God
I’ve spoken of this bastard before. He’s a real asshole. Likes to mess with people’s hair and bike commutes and to blow papers out of people’s hands in a real comedic and cinematic way. He looks like a 100-foot version of Jeff Bridges’ character from “The Big Lebowski,” except if Jeff Bridges also looked like Jared Kushner. The whole “being a god” thing has really gone to his head. If he tries to get validation from you because of his pranks, act unimpressed, even if they’re super funny.
The Sun God
An absolutely radiant, beautiful god. She’s really a wonderful person, but sometimes she can be really overbearing. Big fan of pantsuits because she thinks it makes her look like Hillary Clinton. (I know what you’re thinking — the Sun God is a Lizard! This is not true.) She’s the sort of de facto leader of the Wind God and the God of Rain. You wouldn’t want to do a group project with them.
The Rain God
Seriously, where the hell is this guy? I mean, I know he smokes peyote as well, so I get it, but seriously man you’ve got a really important job to do. When I do see him, he’s always wearing sweatpants, HUF socks and probably holding a fat blunt in between his pinky and thumb. It’s weird, I know.
The God of Davis Animals
Just a cow mixed with a turkey mixed with a squirrel. Really likes Neutral Milk Hotel.
God of the Gym Bros
This dude walks around like he’s trying to pinch an egg in between his upper thighs, like he’s chafing all the time. Always has a protein shake in one hand and a phone in the other, on which he’s disinterestedly sending a text to a girl he hooked up with once. Nice guy, though.
God of Liberal Thought
Beanie. Septum piercing. Denim jacket, denim jeans. Holding a coffee cup, kombucha because they’re doing a “cleanse” or a mason jar full of just water. Loves Doc Martens. Always shoving a clipboard in your face regarding some cause. Little do they know that I love civil rights, but I still yell at them. Also, they have three heads, except the other two heads are where their butt cheeks are supposed to be. I don’t make the rules.
God of Conservative Thought
This dude is literally always floating around in head-to-toe camo while gripping the lifeless head of a deer and shouting about how hunters are a discriminated class of people while interspersing “MAGA” every so often.
He is a god.
The God of Squash
A 400-hundred-foot-tall gender non-conforming vegetable. Has a great golf swing.
There it is: your guide.
Written by: Aaron Levins — email@example.com
(This article is humor and/or satire, and its content is purely fictional. The story and the names of “sources” are fictionalized.)