Why won’t they leeeeeeave?
Throughout the course of history, the Greeks have lost many battles. For past examples, here is a comprehensive list of triumphs the Greeks have been involved in and most likely lost — though we at The Aggie are still not entirely sure, because admittedly not all of us are completely literate.
More recently however, for the last couple of years, Ancient Greece has been doing swell in terms of winning battles. The most recent win dates back to four years ago, the time when I started noticing that the Greeks had conquered the third floor of Shields Library.
Though the timeline of the battle is very blurry because it took place so long ago, I will recount the events to the best of my knowledge.
If I remember correctly, the city-state of Sigma Quinoa had a lot of territory at the time, but everyone had agreed that it was time to expand the city-state’s influence because wearing shirts of the neighboring Greek city-state, Delta GoatCheese, was simply not enough to exert their power and influence.
Sigma Quinoa knew it was time to conquer a new breed of citizens, so it took its influence to the city-state of Shields Library, where they planned to take all the good tables with outlets and natural sunlight just to spite the natives who already lived there.
Soon though, the other Greek city-states of Zeta Pie and others like it caught on, and seized the third floor with equal amounts of force. In just a short amount of time, the third floor of Shields became completely ruled by the Greeks, namely Sigma Quinoa and Zeta Pie, who spent their days and nights there pretending to study while really just talking to each other and taking up large amounts of space and outlets.
To this day, the Greeks still are the undisputed rulers of the third floor for some reason. This reason is not actually very clear, considering that the library is made up of four floors and maybe even five, if you count the basement that I’m only 80 percent sure actually exists.
So that’s how the story goes. Essentially, one day a group of people decided to go to a place and then they did. You may think that’s how a lot of history happens, and you are correct. Congratulations on earning your degree in history by reading this article.
All jokes aside, the real lesson we can all learn from the Greeks conquering a single floor of an entire university building is to pick our battles as wisely as the Greeks did. It is only after we choose our battles wisely that we may then fight for our cause, even if our cause is just to go to a place meant for studying so that we can talk with our friends while using tables with outlets, all while wearing matching shirts.
Written by: Lara Loptman — firstname.lastname@example.org
(This article is humor and/or satire, and its content is purely fictional. The story and the names of “sources” are fictionalized.)