Evolution in progress
“Millennials can’t communicate with anyone. They’re hard to talk to,” said some person over the age of 30, probably 40. “Although with what they’ve got between their personality and their Messiah complex, I’m not sure there’s much there, anyway.”
“Older generations are so dumb. Of course we can communicate, that’s what phones are for,” a Millennial texted to the interviewer sitting right across from them.
With the proliferation of cell phones, it’s no wonder that many Millennials can’t communicate with adults who prefer face-to-face interpersonal communication.
“I was having sex with my girlfriend, and being the gentleman I am, I texted her asking for consent right before insertion,” said Sam Cuckingham, who wears sandals in the winter. “She sat there for a minute, and I realized that my WiFi was off. I turned it on and saw her face light up — when she got my message. There was a slight delay because the campus has awful Wi-Fi, especially in lower Olson.”
“I really prefer face-to-face interaction,” said Aggie “writer” Drew Hanson, whose attire is often interpreted as intimidating. “I’ll try talking to a girl while wearing a Slayer shirt and black jeans, and she’ll have this look on her face like I’m going to attack her right there in the middle of the CoHo. It’s a Slayer shirt, not Patagonia.”
Psychiatrists are often working from home now, with many young clients preferring to talk about their problems over Snapchat.
“I just take a picture of my face — see, a frowny face — and then send it to her,” a sad, depressed student said. “She replied. She said that maybe I wouldn’t feel so hollow and vacuous if I had more interests. Does vacuous mean like a vacuum? That sounds like it enforces gender roles, so I’m going to have to file a report.”
“We’re beginning to see evolution happen before our very eyes,” human rights expert and world leader in eugenics Holden A. Pare said. “Many of these Millennials are losing the ability to speak rationally and can only use their vocal cords for buzzwords or outcries of victimization. They’re quite prepared for the real world, although this could be more along the lines of natural selection.”
“I’m just glad that you only have to be at least half-competent to be miles ahead of most Millennials,” said rapper Sc00by Dr00. “I huffed so much Elmer’s Glue you’d think I’d be in a coma, but here I am, a goddamn Millennial genius. If you turn off your WiFi, you’ll be forced to interact face-to-face, where people are real, have feelings and deserve respect. That’s just too much for most people to handle.”
Written by: Drew Hanson — andhanson@ucdavis.edu
(This article is humor and/or satire, and its content is purely fictional. The story and the names of “sources” are fictionalized.)
